A couple weeks ago, a sermon sparked an idea for the house in my mind, which was to open up our doors on Sundays for a community Sabbath time. Yesterday was our first run at the experiment, and I have to say, it was really great. The best stories about community can't be recorded in blogs, because they're about the growth that each individual is experiencing within the community. I love seeing everyone being more fully the person that God has created them to be.
The day started at church, with my sister bravely inviting a whole host of people over. We ended up having three people from church, plus Joel, Becca's boyfriend Carleton, and the four of us who live in the house. Becca is really beginning to find her courage in making invitations, and I'm thrilled to see it!
Lexi had planned an incredible meal for the day. I haven't met anyone who plans meals quite like Lexi. We had butternut squash soup with chicken, Swedish meatballs with lingonberry, mashed potatoes, and a breaded apple dessert. All amazing, as usual.
While all of this was going on, Becca assembled our little prayer room. We have a beautiful sun room with windows on all three sides. Rachel was using it as a computer room for awhile, but she finally got a loft so her computer could go into her room and we make a space just for prayer. We spread out pillows, a keyboard, and a guitar. Becca got out colorful scarves and hung them as decorations.
I spent the afternoon planning a last minute Bible study on Sabbath, and enjoying deep conversations about what holy rest really is, and what keeps us from it. Rachel sat with me a lot of the time and helped ask great clarifying questions to help me get my thoughts focused.
Joel, in the middle of this, was making bread from scratch. I don't think he's managed it quite to his satisfaction yet, but it seems pretty tasty to me! I've been talking to Joel about how much I'd love for him to be part of ministry along with me--and it was amazing to see him really step up to it yesterday. He was in the kitchen washing dishes and supporting Lexi and Becca, out in the living room with Rachel and me adding wise comments about rest--and baking bread in the midst of all that.
Our guests arrived in time for dinner, and it was fun just to see the diversity. The leader of Macalaster's Christian fellowship, who was scribbling down questions for her group to process together that evening. A girl who had stood in front of the church that Sunday and told the congregation how she'd tried to commit suicide four years ago and been saved, and implored them to look to God for hope during the holidays. Our third planned guest is a single mom, and couldn't make it because her daughter fell asleep.
The guests were mostly only there for dinner, but there was a wonderful restful time after that. There was dancing. Community stretching. :) Fresh baked bread. Red velvet holiday milk. (I had to try it...)
The four of us and Joel got to study Sabbath in the Bible and talk about how to get into that mindset, and I was blown over by the depth that the people in our house are reaching. I don't know why it was so clear yesterday how much everyone has grown--but I feel like people have been having spiritual growth spurts recently. And it was incredible to see...Joel being willing to really engage in the community...Becca realizing that she wants to be more sacrificial with people and learn how to listen...Lexi being open to change in a way that's vulnerable and humble...Rachel growing in a desire to live without fear...me actually stepping up into leadership without my usual excuses.
We all had to laugh at ourselves at the end of the day, because we actually did a pretty lousy job of resting. It almost felt like a day when we saw what the opposite of resting was for most of us. But, despite the mad rush of cooking and cleaning and dish washing and Bible study planning, it was a pretty wonderful community day. We may learn how to rest yet one of these days. :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Leaving things behind
When I moved to Japan, I worked on this picture over the course of a month as part of the process of letting go of my old life and embracing a new one. I drew all the things in the boxes "behind me" that couldn't come along. There was a Spanish dictionary, and my preschool Sunday school curriculum. I drew remnants of past activities: handbell gloves, a rapier sword, my baby bonsai tree, my ballet slippers. I drew photographs of family and friends, though these pictures came along with me in real life, as a reminder of the people I was leaving behind. I drew Ebony's toy bone. My favorite childhood teddy bear. I drew my college diploma on the wall behind me. The only objects in front in the picture were my packed bags and my little homemade alter, a framed "Footprints" picture on the wall to show that I was following Jesus now.
It was hard to put all of those things in boxes when I moved to Japan, but there was this rush of excitement about the whole thing too. It was so easy to love Jesus as I was taking off in this adventure with him--and so easy to feel his excitement and love at getting to bring me along with him across the ocean.
I've been thinking about this because the past few days my relationship with Joel keeps putting me in tears. I hate it when that happens. Joel is one of the biggest blessings in my life--and my sadness always feels like ingratitude. But I realized today that I think it is a normal part of the transition. So I've been trying to figure out what part of it is healthy.
This is what life has looked like the past few weeks: there are so many huge decisions to be made with Joel, and we approach major (and minor) decisions completely oppositely. In fact, we approach life in general completely oppositely. So, we end up having intense conversations about these decisions and life long into the night. Then, we manage to reach a resolution and find the way we're going to love each other in the midst of these intense differences--and it creates the sweetest love (at least emotionally speaking). And for a period of time we are mushy and inseparable with joy at the victory.
In the midst of that, I usually have about a 30 item to do list for Spirit Gymnastics--I've helped Doug make some major financial victories over the past few weeks, and the business is much healthier than it was. I have admin meetings three mornings a week now. When new people come into the office Doug introduces himself as *my* administrative assistant, and he's only half joking. I'm also still trying to create a healthy Christian community in the house I started, though that mostly involves fighting guilt because of how little energy I have for it most days, unfortunately. But, we now have a really nice time three mornings a week. We wake up at 7 on Monday and Wednesday to spend time with God individually together. And Thursdays at 7 we pray together. And I keep processing and praying about ways to try to lead the girls and myself deeper and further with Jesus. And then processing and praying about how leadership works in my head vs. how it actually seems to work in reality. Somewhere in the middle of my relationship building with Joel, doing admin for Spirit, and attempting to lead the House, I'm also finding and settling on a caterer, potential reception site, photographer, and florist . . . and figure out this whole cake / pie / whatever dilemma for the wedding.
Sheesh. I don't have nearly enough praying hours in my week to manage that kind of busyness. Having written all of that down, I'm not as surprised that I found myself researching plane tickets this afternoon so I could run away to India or Japan. Yes, of course the whole time I knew that I couldn't go, and that I wouldn't go, and that I didn't even really want to run away from everything right now . . . but I was still surprisingly and honestly disappointed when I realized that, even if I wanted to run away and just take care of sick people in India, or go process life with some of my good friends in Japan, I couldn't. My passport has been MIA for about two moves now. And the plane ticket would wipe out pretty much every cent I have.
But somewhere in the middle of my silly freaking out today, I ended up at an internet page talking about the emotional aspect of getting married. There were a few really freeing quotes (I've kind of pasted them together here):
Why would a bride feel fear and sadness in the months preceding her most cherished day? In order to answer this question, we must look at the wedding as a rite of passage. ... Simply, a rite of passage is a major turning point in life where we experience a change in identity. It is a time of transition where the old way of life ceases to fit and the new life has not yet taken hold. ... A change of identity involves loss; and loss always, no matter how beautiful and bountiful the gains, involves grief. ... The problem is not the sadness or fear; the problem is an ingrained cultural belief that equates these feelings with the notion that you are making a mistake. ... This realization of all that [you're] giving up is an essential part of the letting go and grieving process. In order to prepare the ground for the new identity to take root, the old identity needs to be weeded and grieved.
So, I was thinking about my picture from moving to Japan, and how it had been nice to draw it and acknowledge what was being left behind. It was a part of the weeding and grieving. The move to Japan was wonderful--and terribly painful. But it didn't take very long before I saw that the boxes behind me were things I was ready to leave behind, and was overjoyed at some wonderful new additions to my identity.
This time my boxes feel a little more abstract. It's "Pamela the Missionary" who feels like she's fading out of existence. And to put "Pamela the Missionary" in a coffin feels like it would mean not following God anymore. Needless to say, I would not be cool with that. But I also don't think it's true. At least, I don't think that giving up the job title of missionary has anything to do with following God or not. But I haven't figured out what following God is supposed to look like at this stage of life. And the tension between the old way of following him and this new, unknown way is painful and confusing, and is resulting in me feeling guilty nearly perpetually as I am not living up to my old expectations.
Regardless of how abstract the boxes are, though, it was nice to realize that all that's going on is that I'm moving again--only this time there will be no ocean to cross and no literal suitcases to pack. It's a time to sort out the old life from the new. A time to cross into just as much of an unknown territory as a foreign country was--existing as a person who is being made into "one flesh" instead of being a single person. If that were the only identity shift, I don't know if it would even be as intense as it is. But I suppose this has been a triple whammy. I've gone from living in Japan to living in America. From working as a church worker to becoming an administrative assistant in a sports institution. The past year and a half has been the identity lobotomy of a lifetime. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I don't know.
But it was nice to read the article and finally feel like there is permission to cry over the self that I'm losing--and permission to sit back and contemplate which parts of me that feel threatened need to be protected and supported, and which parts I can pack up and put into storage or throw away. I may not really have as much control of the process as that, but it always puts me at ease if I can see my emotions in a context of healthy transitioning, rather than as a mysterious, destructive force. :) It's funny how looking at it that way seems to make me feel much more free to experience both sadness and joy in my upcoming marriage all at the same time.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Excitement for Health Care Reform
This will probably be one of the only political posts you will ever see on this blog, but I just got a social action e-newsletter I receive which reminded me that the first wave of health care reform changes came into affect on Sept. 23rd. They don't do anything to change my uninsured condition, but the list of what is coming into affect still excites me a lot. It feels fair and good. And I am still an idealist at heart who likes to think that even major corporate insurance companies can be run in a way that is both sustainable and good. Joel and I had a lot of conversations about this back before we were dating and when we just started dating, because I am the idealist who celebrates whenever any additional "goodness" seems to enter the world, and he is the business major who wonders how insurance companies are going to stay standing now that they must dole out this "additional goodness". I also heard from a nurse practitioner who runs a street clinic that, if the whole nation got health insurance, we actually wouldn't have enough doctors to treat people.
There are problems. But there will be problems no matter what. And now, if our problem is trying to find a way to increase the number of doctors to what the nation actually needs . . . or if the problem is re-managing the exchange of money in the health care system so that insurance companies can stay afloat without abusing their clients . . . it feels better to me than the low income person who goes completely under financially because their health insurance dropped them after they became sick.
So, here's what I am excited about today. It's from www.whitehouse.gov/healthreform.
Starting this past week:
-There is a ban on discriminating against kids with pre-existing conditions. In 2014, no one seeking coverage can be discriminated against because of a pre-existing condition.
-Ban on insurance companies dropping coverage because of an unintentional mistake on your insurance application.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting coverage over a lifetime.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting choice of doctors
-Ban on insurance companies restricting ER care to a specific emergency room.
-Guarantee you a right to appeal to an independent 3rd party if you are denied coverage or have your treatment restricted.
-Covering young adults on parent's plan. You're allowed to be on your parents' plan now until the age of 26 or until you have job related insurance of your own.
-Covering preventive care with no cost. "Services like mammograms, colonoscopies, immunizations, pre-natal and new baby care will be covered and insurance companies will be prohibited from charging deductibles, co-payments or co-insurance".
I don't know about you, especially those of you out there who are economically minded enough to understand the financial impacts of these bans on the companies we rely on to even have insurance in the first place--but I'm pretty excited. :D
There are problems. But there will be problems no matter what. And now, if our problem is trying to find a way to increase the number of doctors to what the nation actually needs . . . or if the problem is re-managing the exchange of money in the health care system so that insurance companies can stay afloat without abusing their clients . . . it feels better to me than the low income person who goes completely under financially because their health insurance dropped them after they became sick.
So, here's what I am excited about today. It's from www.whitehouse.gov/healthreform.
Starting this past week:
-There is a ban on discriminating against kids with pre-existing conditions. In 2014, no one seeking coverage can be discriminated against because of a pre-existing condition.
-Ban on insurance companies dropping coverage because of an unintentional mistake on your insurance application.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting coverage over a lifetime.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting choice of doctors
-Ban on insurance companies restricting ER care to a specific emergency room.
-Guarantee you a right to appeal to an independent 3rd party if you are denied coverage or have your treatment restricted.
-Covering young adults on parent's plan. You're allowed to be on your parents' plan now until the age of 26 or until you have job related insurance of your own.
-Covering preventive care with no cost. "Services like mammograms, colonoscopies, immunizations, pre-natal and new baby care will be covered and insurance companies will be prohibited from charging deductibles, co-payments or co-insurance".
I don't know about you, especially those of you out there who are economically minded enough to understand the financial impacts of these bans on the companies we rely on to even have insurance in the first place--but I'm pretty excited. :D
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wedding Planning Revisited
I feel like I have done way too much talking about weddings this past week. I knew it was bad when I woke up this morning, having dreamed that my wedding was today and just exactly as planned as it is right now (a.k.a. nothing was planned). On top of the complete lack of anything being done, the wedding was going to start at 5pm, and it was 4:38 and my family had not shown up to drive me to the site, so I had to get completely ready for the wedding and plan whatever was happening for the reception afterwards in 22 minutes. This is when I have to wake up and decide it's time for a spiritual retreat or something.
My parents have been visiting this week, and we have gotten some time actually getting through the brainstorming about the wedding, which means potentially I'll be able to decide some details in the near future. Actually, a few of them already have been decided. I have a dress. :D And I am girlishly, irrationally, giddily excited about said dress. After my last blog entry, Joel and I, and with my parents' visit our families too, have been in pretty serious conversation about how to incorporate the spiritual aspect into our wedding, and also have the time for more intimate relationship with the people closest to us. The night I wrote the blog, Joel and I came to a late-night conclusion that we should have two wedding ceremonies...one on Friday that was casual, worshipful, and close community...one on Saturday that was bigger, more formal, more traditional.
Our families got together (at least in part--we were missing a few people (we missed you, Haidee!) last Sunday, and we got to discuss the two ceremonies idea with both sets of parents. I think the biggest thing I got out of the conversation was when my mom was questioning me about my desire to have genuine worship at my wedding. It's kind of an abstract desire...I know it. But there was something about the passion I felt in explaining to her what genuine worship is that made it clear to me: we need to have one ceremony. If we do something "real and genuine" in the first and something more for show in the second, it's just being afraid of people. Might as well go ahead and scare people by being spiritual and treating God "like He's real" in our actual ceremony. Anything else feels like hiding, and the Bible isn't too kind towards people who hide light or talents or anything else God has given. Hiding is much more my natural tendency...I have to fight it all the time. And it's a new thing to fight it when I'm making decisions along with Joel. But it was fun to see both of us come to the same realization together after the talk with our parents: we want the worship to shine.
My parents have been visiting this week, and we have gotten some time actually getting through the brainstorming about the wedding, which means potentially I'll be able to decide some details in the near future. Actually, a few of them already have been decided. I have a dress. :D And I am girlishly, irrationally, giddily excited about said dress. After my last blog entry, Joel and I, and with my parents' visit our families too, have been in pretty serious conversation about how to incorporate the spiritual aspect into our wedding, and also have the time for more intimate relationship with the people closest to us. The night I wrote the blog, Joel and I came to a late-night conclusion that we should have two wedding ceremonies...one on Friday that was casual, worshipful, and close community...one on Saturday that was bigger, more formal, more traditional.
Our families got together (at least in part--we were missing a few people (we missed you, Haidee!) last Sunday, and we got to discuss the two ceremonies idea with both sets of parents. I think the biggest thing I got out of the conversation was when my mom was questioning me about my desire to have genuine worship at my wedding. It's kind of an abstract desire...I know it. But there was something about the passion I felt in explaining to her what genuine worship is that made it clear to me: we need to have one ceremony. If we do something "real and genuine" in the first and something more for show in the second, it's just being afraid of people. Might as well go ahead and scare people by being spiritual and treating God "like He's real" in our actual ceremony. Anything else feels like hiding, and the Bible isn't too kind towards people who hide light or talents or anything else God has given. Hiding is much more my natural tendency...I have to fight it all the time. And it's a new thing to fight it when I'm making decisions along with Joel. But it was fun to see both of us come to the same realization together after the talk with our parents: we want the worship to shine.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wedding Planning
Sometime during college, my cousin Rachel was planning her wedding. She and her mom were rifling through magazines thinking about ways to be artistic. I can remember the excited rush to the back closet where her wedding dress was tucked secretly away, ready and preserved for a few months later. Rachel turned to me in the middle of all this and said, "Pamela, if anyone ever says to you: I'll give you $10,000 to elope instead of spending all this money on the wedding, you should take it." My friend Kat, who got married last summer, told me over skype when I told her I was engaged, "If I were doing it again, I would elope. Seriously." It seems that anyone planning a wedding starts thinking about eloping very quickly.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A big life change
I sat on my futon in Japan sometime the last few months in the country, mind spinning with thoughts about where I would be headed to next. Would God allow me to stay in Tokyo and be involved with the prayer movements that just seemed to be getting going? Was he going to send me to Hong Kong to take another global mission position? Would he send me back to the States forever? I can remember an unsettling feeling as I lifted my fear of this uncertainty up to God...and rather than feeling an empathetic comfort from the Holy Spirit, I felt joy. It was like the Spirit was barely able to hold back the excitement at what was coming, wished to tell me what it was, but couldn't. I was holding on too tightly to where I was at to hear it. But I could sense the emotion, and knew how different it was from how I was feeling. So, I tucked it away as a "Was that God?" type impression.
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Strong Men
These past two weeks have been spent with a drastic increase in working hours for me. I was coaching gymnastics about 14 hours a week, but these past two weeks have been our annual summer gymnastics camp. I've actually gotten used to the alarm going off at seven, though I have been reaffirmed in the fact that having a full time job always feels like not having time to live. I need time for my close relationships so that I have time to pray without feeling pressured about the people I'm 'ignoring' by spending time with God. But this is not a reflection on full time work and how to balance life...I was struck by one of the gymnastics coaches this week, and the effect that he had on the gymnasts.
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
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