These past few weeks, I have observed that I am in all out Transitional State of Being. But it feels different from how it's ever felt before. Usually, to be in transition is to be in mourning. Usually, my mind is flipping through morbid thoughts like, "This is the seventh to last time I'll be doing this." But I haven't found myself filled with dread at all. My reaction has been more along the lines of falling in and out of love with every vision, person, and opportunity that comes my way. The whole world feels like it is charged with potential.
I'm watching all the prayer things happening in Tokyo with this kind of joyful confusion. Well...joyful confusion is kind of my normal state anyway. Joy because it is witnessing what I have watched and prayed for. Joy in knowing that, even if my prayers were the tiniest part in this coming about, part of the wall we are building in Tokyo has been constructed by my hands. Confusion because...I hardly feel part of it now. But at the same time, different groups come up to me and say, "We hope we can count on you to help with this!" and yet I still must pray for and encourage them to reach out to each other. To me this is another 2+2...if multiple people are called to raise up a house of prayer, they are automatically a team. Especially if one of them has a house and the other does not. We shall see how God brings all of it about, though.
On the homefront, I listened to my parents talk about things happening in Lander. It is exciting stuff. A few Sundays ago they had a special service where they pulled all the pews and opened up stations for worship, art, intercession, confession, healing, and maybe other things. The line for healing was so long that the service went almost two hours. There were so many people in the confession line that they had to reallocate people to help out there. So, good stuff.
In the meantime, my dad has done a lot of work with setting up a "One Stop Center" in Lander. It is designed to be a place where the poor can come and get spiritually based support. The Center should ideally be connected to churches and aid organizations throughout the town and be able to refer people to the appropriate organization. It's a little ironic, because the center has always struggled with money. They were recently given a large amount of money, but they are struggling now with staffing and vision.
When the One Stop Center opened my senior year of college, I was so jealous that it was opening several months before I graduated, because I would have gone back home and taken that job in a heartbeat. But the timing was never right, and then God called me to Japan.
And I find myself asking my dad today, "Can you hold it open until April when I get back?"
In my mind there is this fully formed vision. Is it part of the One Stop Center in Lander? Is it part of one of these prayer rooms in Tokyo? Is it something completely new? Is it with friends I already have? Will it be with people I have yet to meet? It's like I have the what and the why but the who, when, and where are completely missing.
But this is what I know...with all my heart I long to have a house that is a safe place. Not for a family, though I might have a family and they might be part of it too. And not as a pastor of a church, though I hope many churches will be involved. It will be a house of prayer. It will be a house where people can stop in to talk at any time. It will be a place where the poor are welcomed and transformed. I have had this vision in some way, shape or form since I was in preschool. And so, ministry sometimes feels like dating...it's like I'm running from ministry to ministry and person to person asking, "Is this the place? Are you the people?"
And so, over and over again, I get pulled into these ministries that are close...but then so confused when they don't come together like what I am looking for. Other dreamers are sometimes the most painful because they'll come alongside and dream, but won't fully commit to it.
Transition times always bring the vision out more fully because I feel myself tempted by so many options...there are so many places that I imagine could be transformed into this place I've always carried in my heart. Sometimes I feel like I see it everywhere. Maybe the potential really is everywhere, and it's waiting for me to be ready rather than the environment to be right. I don't know. But these days, I feel like a walking contradiction so much of the time...falling in and out of love, in and out of excitement, in and out of even feeling like I'm part of a group. I'm afraid to reach out because there is a strong chance that 24 hours later my heart will be cold about the very thing it was ablaze about. And so, I wait.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Because I shall be too excited to sleep for awhile...
Today was incredibly awesome. Just...awesome. My thoughts are still dancing.
Today a speaker from the International House of Prayer in Kansas City (IHOP) came to speak in Tokyo. She is Portuguese. I think I mentioned in another blog entry that a Portuguese pastor working in Tokyo is one of the people with a vision for a prayer house. What I didn't realize is that part of the reason the speaker came was because her daughter had moved to Tokyo. Her daughter is one of the many worship leaders for IHOP...she is a young Portuguese American woman with a five year old daughter...and she is awesome on the piano.
I honestly think I have found my heart. Prayer on its own isn't my heart. But this. Oh my. I called one of my friends tonight to explain it to her and spent the first five minutes or so just babbling absolute nonsense. Something along the lines of, "It was so...oh, it was amazing! I mean...It was...it was the best thing ever...it was just...it was like...you use some instruments, and...man, it was great!" Somehow, she wasn't getting the picture from that stunning description. ;-)
But what this is, is the prayer and worship style used at IHOP called "Harp and Bowl". The Harp is worship and the Bowl is intercession, and it is a loose structure that puts the two things together. I found myself on the worship side of it and just. blown. away.
It works like this...a worship leader begins with a song based in pretty simple chord progressions. Everyone sings it together, and then a lead intercessor takes up the prayer. They pray a Biblical passage, and emphasize a specific phrase they want the worshipers to focus on. For example, we worked out of Ephesians where it says, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you". The emphasis would be on hope. And so one of the worship leaders sings ad lib about hope...using another Bible verse that comes to mind or repeating the same verse as the intercessor. Out of that, a simple melody is taken and built on. The intercessor grabs things out of that and goes back to crying out to God, and then it returns to the worshipers who praise God based on the prayer.
I don't know if that sounds overly complicated...it's actually pretty simple. The feel of it is a simple melody everyone can just weave their own worship into. So...I came up to try leading it with one other woman and the "pro" worship leader and it was basically three people who had never sung together before making absolutely beautiful three part harmony on the spot.
And I realized that my favorite part of praying with people really isn't being the one who "leads out"...that one takes courage for me every time. But this. It is my favorite part. Listening to the person who leads out and agreeing along with them. Adding my little tidbits to what they are praying. Praising the awesome God who is hearing every word. I never considered that that part of corporate prayer could be done with music, but my heart has been won forever. I am reasonably certain I could do this for my entire life and never get tired of it.
Things are crazy insane in Tokyo right now in the best possible way. As of yesterday, I have spoken to or heard about four separate people not connected to each other who have all decided it is time to start a house of prayer here. I listen to the Portuguese pastor talk and nearly explode from the way he is able to put the vision I thought I had been carrying all my myself into words. He stood in front of us to close us tonight and said, "I have this vision for a house of prayer in the center of Tokyo...God is doing something here, and I don't think it's a church, but a ministry that we will all need to come together and contribute to." And it takes all my strength to keep myself in my chair. Though these people are the sorts who might not be so put off by a young missionary getting up to dance in the middle of their meeting. ;-)
I keep looking at all of this and thinking...this is crazy. God pulled me into this vision only 10-11 months ago, and already it is exploding everywhere. I look at others who have had to wait for so long. And the suffering I have endured waiting for things to get to this point feels like absolutely nothing. Haha...may I remember that the next time it seems like God is doing nothing for an eternity and that I feel I will die because of it. He always returns. And in the silences, His great plans are born.
Today a speaker from the International House of Prayer in Kansas City (IHOP) came to speak in Tokyo. She is Portuguese. I think I mentioned in another blog entry that a Portuguese pastor working in Tokyo is one of the people with a vision for a prayer house. What I didn't realize is that part of the reason the speaker came was because her daughter had moved to Tokyo. Her daughter is one of the many worship leaders for IHOP...she is a young Portuguese American woman with a five year old daughter...and she is awesome on the piano.
I honestly think I have found my heart. Prayer on its own isn't my heart. But this. Oh my. I called one of my friends tonight to explain it to her and spent the first five minutes or so just babbling absolute nonsense. Something along the lines of, "It was so...oh, it was amazing! I mean...It was...it was the best thing ever...it was just...it was like...you use some instruments, and...man, it was great!" Somehow, she wasn't getting the picture from that stunning description. ;-)
But what this is, is the prayer and worship style used at IHOP called "Harp and Bowl". The Harp is worship and the Bowl is intercession, and it is a loose structure that puts the two things together. I found myself on the worship side of it and just. blown. away.
It works like this...a worship leader begins with a song based in pretty simple chord progressions. Everyone sings it together, and then a lead intercessor takes up the prayer. They pray a Biblical passage, and emphasize a specific phrase they want the worshipers to focus on. For example, we worked out of Ephesians where it says, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you". The emphasis would be on hope. And so one of the worship leaders sings ad lib about hope...using another Bible verse that comes to mind or repeating the same verse as the intercessor. Out of that, a simple melody is taken and built on. The intercessor grabs things out of that and goes back to crying out to God, and then it returns to the worshipers who praise God based on the prayer.
I don't know if that sounds overly complicated...it's actually pretty simple. The feel of it is a simple melody everyone can just weave their own worship into. So...I came up to try leading it with one other woman and the "pro" worship leader and it was basically three people who had never sung together before making absolutely beautiful three part harmony on the spot.
And I realized that my favorite part of praying with people really isn't being the one who "leads out"...that one takes courage for me every time. But this. It is my favorite part. Listening to the person who leads out and agreeing along with them. Adding my little tidbits to what they are praying. Praising the awesome God who is hearing every word. I never considered that that part of corporate prayer could be done with music, but my heart has been won forever. I am reasonably certain I could do this for my entire life and never get tired of it.
Things are crazy insane in Tokyo right now in the best possible way. As of yesterday, I have spoken to or heard about four separate people not connected to each other who have all decided it is time to start a house of prayer here. I listen to the Portuguese pastor talk and nearly explode from the way he is able to put the vision I thought I had been carrying all my myself into words. He stood in front of us to close us tonight and said, "I have this vision for a house of prayer in the center of Tokyo...God is doing something here, and I don't think it's a church, but a ministry that we will all need to come together and contribute to." And it takes all my strength to keep myself in my chair. Though these people are the sorts who might not be so put off by a young missionary getting up to dance in the middle of their meeting. ;-)
I keep looking at all of this and thinking...this is crazy. God pulled me into this vision only 10-11 months ago, and already it is exploding everywhere. I look at others who have had to wait for so long. And the suffering I have endured waiting for things to get to this point feels like absolutely nothing. Haha...may I remember that the next time it seems like God is doing nothing for an eternity and that I feel I will die because of it. He always returns. And in the silences, His great plans are born.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Full Saturday
This morning I dragged myself out of my apartment to do something I had never done before. One of my Korean friends invited me out to do evangelism on the campus close to our church eons ago. I could write an entire entry on my thoughts on tracts, evangelism without relationship building, and perhaps five or six more related topics. But needless to say, a rather frightened, praying-under-her-breath Pamela arrived at the university clock tower about ten minutes late.
We gathered under a tree, sang some hymns in Korean and English, and then took some time to share what God had been showing us during the week in our Bible reading. It's been awhile since I had been in a group that did that, and I was reminded how much I love the accountability. It was a long time of exhortations. The leader of the group retold the whole story of Elijah running from Jezebel, waiting for God on the mountain through the earthquake and fire, and how God finally spoke in a still voice. A British man gave a long, animated exhortation about the book of Ruth and told how God uses the weakest, smallest people. His Japanese wife stood next and, with many fewer words, reminded us of the verse of the cross being foolishness to those who are perishing, but the power of God to those of us being saved. She took comfort in this in the rejection that often comes with sharing the message of the cross.
We all prayed aloud together at the same time, and there was power in the prayer. We didn't "lead anyone to Christ" today, but one high schooler heard the Gospel for the first time; we had a decent conversation with a girl who had studied abroad in Australia and didn't wish to discuss delicate things such as religion; and at the end we had a really fun chat with three guys who were smoking and hanging out by a motorcycle. The guys kind of laughed with us and let us know that Japan has no religion (an often said phrase). Japan has no needs. They repeated. Perhaps two minutes later they had revealed that one of them went to church with his grandma rather often and another had read the whole Bible. This country blows my mind, I tell you! I love Japanese young people a lot.
My verdict on this kind of outreach...dangerous and probably harmful if you think you can just drop a message and run, but potentially wonderful if one is willing to show love and be vulnerable.
It also opened up a connection I had been hoping to make for awhile, because one of the Assemblies girls came to my church afterwards. We had a small Key meeting...truthfully I hadn't expected anyone because I hadn't initiated at all. But it turned out to be four of us. Conversation was deep, real, and God centered. Yay!
I went straight from Key to western Tokyo for the "Sixth Month Checkup" of Global Day of Prayer. We decided once a year wasn't enough. But I must say, this meeting was far more meaningful to me than the one last May.
Stan--the leader of a revival prayer group there--had a wonderful program he called "A Concert of Prayer". With each subject, we would pray as a solo (just on our own), a trio (with the people next to us), and then as a symphony (as the whole group). Every section was moved on by worship songs.
I knew I was "in for it" as soon as I was pulled in for the pre-prayer meeting prayer session and the Holy Spirit just dropped down. Stan was choked up. I could hardly manage words without trembling at who God was. A man I didn't know said that God was holy and the whole group was taken over with awed whispered praises at the holiness of our God. And this was the PRE prayer meeting prayer session.
We praised. We cried out for forgiveness. We stood before God on behalf of Japan, and dozens of other countries as their flags were projected on the screen--including some nation of approximately 7000 people that live off the coast of Newfoundland that Stan is particularly enamored with. ;-) We had five minutes of silence that was the most holy time of the whole evening for me. During the time of silence, I had this picture in my head. It was a father and a little girl. He would try to pick the girl up, but she would hit him on the head, and he would set her down, even though he wanted nothing more than to hold her. Stan called on Pastor Bill to pray after the silence, and he asked forgiveness because we had been holding God at arms length. It seemed very appropriate to me. I could say very little after we were done praying except for, "That was so wonderful and lovely!"
Oh, I should also add, if one more person tells me they are starting a house of prayer anytime soon, I'm not sure what I'll do. One of my Assemblies friends was called to start one a few weeks ago, and is moving into a house / student ministry center to do so sometime this month. As I was walking to the prayer meeting tonight, I heard someone behind me say "Pamela." I turned around, and there was a Brazilian pastor I tried to connect with last May. We had a good talk, obviously both on prayer pages, but didn't really find a connection point. I was surprised he remembered my name. Tonight, as we walked to the meeting, he told me how they really were working to get a continuous prayer ministry (hopefully eventually 24/7) going, and he hoped I would be on board. I have to admit, when I asked God for a 24/7 prayer house in Tokyo back in January, I really didn't expect I was part of this larger vision...and I certainly didn't expect to be told by two separate people in a month less than a year later that it really might happen very, very soon. Pray big, my friends!
We gathered under a tree, sang some hymns in Korean and English, and then took some time to share what God had been showing us during the week in our Bible reading. It's been awhile since I had been in a group that did that, and I was reminded how much I love the accountability. It was a long time of exhortations. The leader of the group retold the whole story of Elijah running from Jezebel, waiting for God on the mountain through the earthquake and fire, and how God finally spoke in a still voice. A British man gave a long, animated exhortation about the book of Ruth and told how God uses the weakest, smallest people. His Japanese wife stood next and, with many fewer words, reminded us of the verse of the cross being foolishness to those who are perishing, but the power of God to those of us being saved. She took comfort in this in the rejection that often comes with sharing the message of the cross.
We all prayed aloud together at the same time, and there was power in the prayer. We didn't "lead anyone to Christ" today, but one high schooler heard the Gospel for the first time; we had a decent conversation with a girl who had studied abroad in Australia and didn't wish to discuss delicate things such as religion; and at the end we had a really fun chat with three guys who were smoking and hanging out by a motorcycle. The guys kind of laughed with us and let us know that Japan has no religion (an often said phrase). Japan has no needs. They repeated. Perhaps two minutes later they had revealed that one of them went to church with his grandma rather often and another had read the whole Bible. This country blows my mind, I tell you! I love Japanese young people a lot.
My verdict on this kind of outreach...dangerous and probably harmful if you think you can just drop a message and run, but potentially wonderful if one is willing to show love and be vulnerable.
It also opened up a connection I had been hoping to make for awhile, because one of the Assemblies girls came to my church afterwards. We had a small Key meeting...truthfully I hadn't expected anyone because I hadn't initiated at all. But it turned out to be four of us. Conversation was deep, real, and God centered. Yay!
I went straight from Key to western Tokyo for the "Sixth Month Checkup" of Global Day of Prayer. We decided once a year wasn't enough. But I must say, this meeting was far more meaningful to me than the one last May.
Stan--the leader of a revival prayer group there--had a wonderful program he called "A Concert of Prayer". With each subject, we would pray as a solo (just on our own), a trio (with the people next to us), and then as a symphony (as the whole group). Every section was moved on by worship songs.
I knew I was "in for it" as soon as I was pulled in for the pre-prayer meeting prayer session and the Holy Spirit just dropped down. Stan was choked up. I could hardly manage words without trembling at who God was. A man I didn't know said that God was holy and the whole group was taken over with awed whispered praises at the holiness of our God. And this was the PRE prayer meeting prayer session.
We praised. We cried out for forgiveness. We stood before God on behalf of Japan, and dozens of other countries as their flags were projected on the screen--including some nation of approximately 7000 people that live off the coast of Newfoundland that Stan is particularly enamored with. ;-) We had five minutes of silence that was the most holy time of the whole evening for me. During the time of silence, I had this picture in my head. It was a father and a little girl. He would try to pick the girl up, but she would hit him on the head, and he would set her down, even though he wanted nothing more than to hold her. Stan called on Pastor Bill to pray after the silence, and he asked forgiveness because we had been holding God at arms length. It seemed very appropriate to me. I could say very little after we were done praying except for, "That was so wonderful and lovely!"
Oh, I should also add, if one more person tells me they are starting a house of prayer anytime soon, I'm not sure what I'll do. One of my Assemblies friends was called to start one a few weeks ago, and is moving into a house / student ministry center to do so sometime this month. As I was walking to the prayer meeting tonight, I heard someone behind me say "Pamela." I turned around, and there was a Brazilian pastor I tried to connect with last May. We had a good talk, obviously both on prayer pages, but didn't really find a connection point. I was surprised he remembered my name. Tonight, as we walked to the meeting, he told me how they really were working to get a continuous prayer ministry (hopefully eventually 24/7) going, and he hoped I would be on board. I have to admit, when I asked God for a 24/7 prayer house in Tokyo back in January, I really didn't expect I was part of this larger vision...and I certainly didn't expect to be told by two separate people in a month less than a year later that it really might happen very, very soon. Pray big, my friends!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Christianity Today--God and Idolatry
Christianity Today has been going much better recently. My dad gave me maybe the best advice for teaching Isaiah ever. I was feeling so frustrated about how hard it was to help them understand the concepts I find so beautiful, and he pointed out that that is right in Isaiah's calling. God told Isaiah, "Go and tell this people: 'Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.'" (Isaiah 6:9). While I still really hope my students will someday understand, it is comforting to know that it is Biblical for God to call people to give messages that are not understood by the listeners.
We started a unit on what God thinks about idolatry last Friday and it overflowed into this week. And I was amazed, because people got it. They came up with lots of their own examples...we discussed how things like nature are good, but not God. How both poor and rich people can make a god out of money if they think it can save them. How Christians and non-Christians a like may be guilty of idolatry, and how the idols may be statues or invisible things that happen in our minds.
We read Isaiah 44 to go along with it, which is wonderful because it has no mercy on idolaters but is sandwiched by promises of God's love, capability, and worthiness. The judgment is surrounded by the heart cry of a God who wants so, so much to be the One His people depend on. Who is the only One His people *can* depend on.
At the end of class I asked them what they could see about who God was from this passage, and they came up with such a wonderful list. God is the One and Only. God is savior. God is calling out to His people.
I looked out at them, and saw that some of them looked like they had just been run over. One woman in particular, who when I ask them to tell me about who God is will often give answers like, "the sun". How do you explain the idea of conviction in easy English? I knew I had to wrap it all up for them...it was time to not beat around the bush.
"Some of you might be feeling pretty bad right now..." At times I can tell people about God with ease and cheerfulness. This time I had good news for them, but my breathing felt restricted and it was work to get each word out. Sometimes talking is spiritual warfare. But word by word I got out the message that God was beckoning to them...that He didn't let us feel bad just for the sake of seeing miserable people but that He convicts us because He wants us to come home to Him.
I don't know if they got it or not...maybe not yet...but it's the message I feel like I could tell the Japanese people as many times as they let me open my mouth. How the Father loves you, Japan.
We started a unit on what God thinks about idolatry last Friday and it overflowed into this week. And I was amazed, because people got it. They came up with lots of their own examples...we discussed how things like nature are good, but not God. How both poor and rich people can make a god out of money if they think it can save them. How Christians and non-Christians a like may be guilty of idolatry, and how the idols may be statues or invisible things that happen in our minds.
We read Isaiah 44 to go along with it, which is wonderful because it has no mercy on idolaters but is sandwiched by promises of God's love, capability, and worthiness. The judgment is surrounded by the heart cry of a God who wants so, so much to be the One His people depend on. Who is the only One His people *can* depend on.
At the end of class I asked them what they could see about who God was from this passage, and they came up with such a wonderful list. God is the One and Only. God is savior. God is calling out to His people.
I looked out at them, and saw that some of them looked like they had just been run over. One woman in particular, who when I ask them to tell me about who God is will often give answers like, "the sun". How do you explain the idea of conviction in easy English? I knew I had to wrap it all up for them...it was time to not beat around the bush.
"Some of you might be feeling pretty bad right now..." At times I can tell people about God with ease and cheerfulness. This time I had good news for them, but my breathing felt restricted and it was work to get each word out. Sometimes talking is spiritual warfare. But word by word I got out the message that God was beckoning to them...that He didn't let us feel bad just for the sake of seeing miserable people but that He convicts us because He wants us to come home to Him.
I don't know if they got it or not...maybe not yet...but it's the message I feel like I could tell the Japanese people as many times as they let me open my mouth. How the Father loves you, Japan.
Surprises are new all the time
Tonight after coffee hour, one of my old students was hanging around a lot. It surprised me, because she is a doctor and usually quite busy. We have wonderful conversations in class, and then she flies out of the building to return to work. She didn't approach me--other people were around talking to me--but when I left the building she was hanging out on the corner talking to Aaron.
I should back up and say this is a student I've been a little worried about. She was one of my most loyal students, always announcing to classes at the beginning of the term that she had come originally to learn English but how she came now because the discussions were so good and she liked to see me. She has had kind of a long courtship with Christianity as well...one that started in college and is still continuing. She told me sadly one class that she wished she could believe it was true, but she just couldn't believe. This started a letter exchange of two letters, and we spoke pretty personally. Then, this term, she didn't register for class. Another student told me she was very busy, and would only have time to come on Fridays, and as it turned out she only came to Coffee Hour, not Christianity Today. I was worried I had pushed her too far...even though I have yet to push someone too far for real even once I still worry about this quite a bit.
So, she was hanging out outside waiting, she joined me and the girl I was walking with, announced that she had forgotten her bicycle, and also that she had something to tell me, though she could write it down...
I walked back with her, and the following conversation occurred:
N.: I have to tell you something, but it's personal.
Pamela: (gearing up for N. to give me extremely personal news) What's up?
N.: Well...actually...I got married.
Pamela: !!!!! When? To who?
N.: To a man, of course!
Pamela: No, no, no...I mean, I know to a man, but...who?!
N.: Oh, I've known him for maybe 20 years. And there's one more thing...we adopted a baby a few months ago.
I'm so glad she finally decided to tell me...I understand a little bit why she is in a dilemma about telling people, though. Adoption is not at all common in Japan. She says she will have to decide whether or not to tell her friends, though she told me she will certainly tell her daughter. Also, since she is still a busy doctor, her husband has become a stay-at-home dad, the first I have heard of in this country. I hope I still have the chance to stay in touch with her!
I should back up and say this is a student I've been a little worried about. She was one of my most loyal students, always announcing to classes at the beginning of the term that she had come originally to learn English but how she came now because the discussions were so good and she liked to see me. She has had kind of a long courtship with Christianity as well...one that started in college and is still continuing. She told me sadly one class that she wished she could believe it was true, but she just couldn't believe. This started a letter exchange of two letters, and we spoke pretty personally. Then, this term, she didn't register for class. Another student told me she was very busy, and would only have time to come on Fridays, and as it turned out she only came to Coffee Hour, not Christianity Today. I was worried I had pushed her too far...even though I have yet to push someone too far for real even once I still worry about this quite a bit.
So, she was hanging out outside waiting, she joined me and the girl I was walking with, announced that she had forgotten her bicycle, and also that she had something to tell me, though she could write it down...
I walked back with her, and the following conversation occurred:
N.: I have to tell you something, but it's personal.
Pamela: (gearing up for N. to give me extremely personal news) What's up?
N.: Well...actually...I got married.
Pamela: !!!!! When? To who?
N.: To a man, of course!
Pamela: No, no, no...I mean, I know to a man, but...who?!
N.: Oh, I've known him for maybe 20 years. And there's one more thing...we adopted a baby a few months ago.
I'm so glad she finally decided to tell me...I understand a little bit why she is in a dilemma about telling people, though. Adoption is not at all common in Japan. She says she will have to decide whether or not to tell her friends, though she told me she will certainly tell her daughter. Also, since she is still a busy doctor, her husband has become a stay-at-home dad, the first I have heard of in this country. I hope I still have the chance to stay in touch with her!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tired Days
It never ceases to amaze me how my predictions about "tired days" are often completely wrong nowadays. In college, it seemed like multiple nights of six hours of sleep would result in feeling sick almost immediately. I really couldn't function without sleep, and I fought for it bravely.
Today I am going on seven hours of sleep from the past two nights combined...about two hours last night and five the night before. I dropped friends off at the train station this morning, and I'd been saying to them how I thought this would be one of the days when I would be trying to lead my classes in conversations about their weeks, and my brain would be completely gone...or at least out on a prayer mission rather than listening.
It's interesting for me to walk into my classes feeling like there is nothing in my head. And there's something very peaceful about walking in telling God, "This one's all on You...really."
This morning I found it easier to focus on my students than it has been in possibly two or three weeks. They had wonderful questions during Bible study, and I felt the discussion was great. I found myself with social energy abounding to go into the kitchen and help them clean up afterwards, where the two women told me about some of their confusions about the Holy Spirit and told me they were really looking forward to understanding better. There was a chance to share the Gospel with them in a more personal way than in the whole class.
I'm not saying going without sleep is a magic recipe for God moving...but relying on Him for real is...well, real. There is a strength that is not from inside of me, not from how much sleep I get, not from how much alone time I've had or from how many chances I've had to connect with another person deeply...these are all things that fill me. But there is a kind of strength that surpasses all of those and makes no rational sense to me at all.
Today I am going on seven hours of sleep from the past two nights combined...about two hours last night and five the night before. I dropped friends off at the train station this morning, and I'd been saying to them how I thought this would be one of the days when I would be trying to lead my classes in conversations about their weeks, and my brain would be completely gone...or at least out on a prayer mission rather than listening.
It's interesting for me to walk into my classes feeling like there is nothing in my head. And there's something very peaceful about walking in telling God, "This one's all on You...really."
This morning I found it easier to focus on my students than it has been in possibly two or three weeks. They had wonderful questions during Bible study, and I felt the discussion was great. I found myself with social energy abounding to go into the kitchen and help them clean up afterwards, where the two women told me about some of their confusions about the Holy Spirit and told me they were really looking forward to understanding better. There was a chance to share the Gospel with them in a more personal way than in the whole class.
I'm not saying going without sleep is a magic recipe for God moving...but relying on Him for real is...well, real. There is a strength that is not from inside of me, not from how much sleep I get, not from how much alone time I've had or from how many chances I've had to connect with another person deeply...these are all things that fill me. But there is a kind of strength that surpasses all of those and makes no rational sense to me at all.
Friday, October 24, 2008
On being a Pray-er
Something that tends to stick out to other people about me is that I seem to like to pray a lot. To be honest, this mystified me for awhile. Completely, totally mystified me. Prayer itself never felt like it was my focus...I prayed because I wanted to see God. My whole life I had never really thought prayer worked. I mean...I liked talking to God. But it wasn't until just before I came to Japan and the crash course in prayer that ensued the next six months that I really knew God answered prayer. And to me this is two plus two...that if God answers prayer, then we must pray.
It was jarring and shocking for awhile to learn that my two plus two didn't look like simple addition to other people. In my mind when I told them about prayer, I was saying, "2+2=4", but what they heard seemed to involve a combination of differential equations, ancient Greek, and neurobiology.
A few months ago God kind of pushed me on this issue. And I accepted that, no matter what I WANTED to be true, God calls some people to a kind of praying that is different. It is costly. It will take time. Steal opportunities. Limit relationships. Be a wasted life from the viewpoint of the world. It is the one place in ministry where really NO credit can be given to the person involved, because when prayer is answered, you praise God, not the pray-er. And besides, ANYONE can pray.
Of course, the reward is out of this world. There is nothing sweeter than watching something happen and sharing that secret smile with the creator of the all...knowing that we discussed it happening a couple months ago, and now He has really brought it about.
This has been a long introduction, but the point is that this whole prayer calling thing has come up once again. Last night this was a smaller part of a much larger conversation:
A: Have you heard of the Anna anointing?
Me: Well...I know who Anna is an I know what an anointing is...but no, not really.
A: Well, that is you, my dear. And I would love to tell you about it before I go home for Christmas.
I have to admit, I was a little concerned. Anna is the woman who greeted the baby Jesus who had been praying and fasting in the temple for upwards of sixty years. The idea of being "cloistered" frightens me a lot. I want to pour out my heart in prayer...I want to do it over and over and over again...but I do not want to be stuck in a room. I want to be on the streets. I want to meet people who don't know who Jesus is and share about him. I want to meet people living in cardboard boxes and people losing heart in their battles with cancer and people who have given up hope...I want to take the fire that has been given to me and pass it out to them until they feel joy bubbling up in them. I want to stand holding a bright light that shows them the way to the source of life. I want to watch when God touches them and their whole lives get flipped upside down by Him.
Anyway, A. passed me Mike Bickel's teaching on the Anna anointing, and I got to listen to it this evening. IHOP (not pancakes...the International House of Prayer) talks about "Annas" as people having "the grace to spend long hours in prayer with fasting and to sustain it for many years. "Annas" are men or women, old and young, whose primary ministry is fasting and prayer aimed at changing the spiritual atmosphere of a city or nation. This is not their only ministry, as Anna did the work of an evangelist and was a prophetess; she is recorded as the first evangelist in the New Testament as well."
Mike Bickel talks about himself as having this anointing, and when he describes his work, he says he is in the prayer room about 40 hours a week, and does teaching, pastoring, etc. type ministry stuff for about 20 hours a week outside of that. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful I would find that kind of schedule. It always amazes me when I have vacations in Japan that I finally feel like I am able to do what I am called to do. When I am at the student center 40 some hours a week it always seems impossible. In the past, I've only really felt free when my workload was 20 hours a week or less. And I don't mean free to run around doing whatever...I mean free to exist in general. Anything more than 20 hours and I can't keep up with myself.
But one thing really, really struck me from the CD, and it wasn't about who I am, but about the way that the church needs to respond to pray-ers. He praised the Catholic church as having made a home for Annas and Marys (Anna is focused on intercession and Mary is focused on worship) throughout the centuries. But this "home" has been mostly missing from Protestant churches. He told us that we could not do it from an isolated place...which is my tendency a lot these days, I have to say. Sometimes the battle to not be isolated feels not even remotely worth it. And he talked about the need for leaders who would not only be excited about the pray-ers, but push them to go all the way.
I was challenged by that...there are needs that I have as a person called to intercession first, other ministry second, that I rarely communicate. Or if I try to communicate them, it turns into one of those "2+2=4" is now super complicated math situations. But I have real needs...a need for a corporate worship place where it is safe to pray however the Lord calls me to, whether intercessing, worshiping, or waiting on Him silently...people who are willing to drop everything and pray with me if needed...occasionally, I actually need to be let off the hook of other obligations so that I can pray (I still always feel guilty about this one)...and I have a real need for people to encourage me and remind me that I can go further than I have gone so far.
Anyway, I don't know if there's a real point to this entry...just rambling, I guess. And processing.
It was jarring and shocking for awhile to learn that my two plus two didn't look like simple addition to other people. In my mind when I told them about prayer, I was saying, "2+2=4", but what they heard seemed to involve a combination of differential equations, ancient Greek, and neurobiology.
A few months ago God kind of pushed me on this issue. And I accepted that, no matter what I WANTED to be true, God calls some people to a kind of praying that is different. It is costly. It will take time. Steal opportunities. Limit relationships. Be a wasted life from the viewpoint of the world. It is the one place in ministry where really NO credit can be given to the person involved, because when prayer is answered, you praise God, not the pray-er. And besides, ANYONE can pray.
Of course, the reward is out of this world. There is nothing sweeter than watching something happen and sharing that secret smile with the creator of the all...knowing that we discussed it happening a couple months ago, and now He has really brought it about.
This has been a long introduction, but the point is that this whole prayer calling thing has come up once again. Last night this was a smaller part of a much larger conversation:
A: Have you heard of the Anna anointing?
Me: Well...I know who Anna is an I know what an anointing is...but no, not really.
A: Well, that is you, my dear. And I would love to tell you about it before I go home for Christmas.
I have to admit, I was a little concerned. Anna is the woman who greeted the baby Jesus who had been praying and fasting in the temple for upwards of sixty years. The idea of being "cloistered" frightens me a lot. I want to pour out my heart in prayer...I want to do it over and over and over again...but I do not want to be stuck in a room. I want to be on the streets. I want to meet people who don't know who Jesus is and share about him. I want to meet people living in cardboard boxes and people losing heart in their battles with cancer and people who have given up hope...I want to take the fire that has been given to me and pass it out to them until they feel joy bubbling up in them. I want to stand holding a bright light that shows them the way to the source of life. I want to watch when God touches them and their whole lives get flipped upside down by Him.
Anyway, A. passed me Mike Bickel's teaching on the Anna anointing, and I got to listen to it this evening. IHOP (not pancakes...the International House of Prayer) talks about "Annas" as people having "the grace to spend long hours in prayer with fasting and to sustain it for many years. "Annas" are men or women, old and young, whose primary ministry is fasting and prayer aimed at changing the spiritual atmosphere of a city or nation. This is not their only ministry, as Anna did the work of an evangelist and was a prophetess; she is recorded as the first evangelist in the New Testament as well."
Mike Bickel talks about himself as having this anointing, and when he describes his work, he says he is in the prayer room about 40 hours a week, and does teaching, pastoring, etc. type ministry stuff for about 20 hours a week outside of that. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful I would find that kind of schedule. It always amazes me when I have vacations in Japan that I finally feel like I am able to do what I am called to do. When I am at the student center 40 some hours a week it always seems impossible. In the past, I've only really felt free when my workload was 20 hours a week or less. And I don't mean free to run around doing whatever...I mean free to exist in general. Anything more than 20 hours and I can't keep up with myself.
But one thing really, really struck me from the CD, and it wasn't about who I am, but about the way that the church needs to respond to pray-ers. He praised the Catholic church as having made a home for Annas and Marys (Anna is focused on intercession and Mary is focused on worship) throughout the centuries. But this "home" has been mostly missing from Protestant churches. He told us that we could not do it from an isolated place...which is my tendency a lot these days, I have to say. Sometimes the battle to not be isolated feels not even remotely worth it. And he talked about the need for leaders who would not only be excited about the pray-ers, but push them to go all the way.
I was challenged by that...there are needs that I have as a person called to intercession first, other ministry second, that I rarely communicate. Or if I try to communicate them, it turns into one of those "2+2=4" is now super complicated math situations. But I have real needs...a need for a corporate worship place where it is safe to pray however the Lord calls me to, whether intercessing, worshiping, or waiting on Him silently...people who are willing to drop everything and pray with me if needed...occasionally, I actually need to be let off the hook of other obligations so that I can pray (I still always feel guilty about this one)...and I have a real need for people to encourage me and remind me that I can go further than I have gone so far.
Anyway, I don't know if there's a real point to this entry...just rambling, I guess. And processing.
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