I feel like I have done way too much talking about weddings this past week. I knew it was bad when I woke up this morning, having dreamed that my wedding was today and just exactly as planned as it is right now (a.k.a. nothing was planned). On top of the complete lack of anything being done, the wedding was going to start at 5pm, and it was 4:38 and my family had not shown up to drive me to the site, so I had to get completely ready for the wedding and plan whatever was happening for the reception afterwards in 22 minutes. This is when I have to wake up and decide it's time for a spiritual retreat or something.
My parents have been visiting this week, and we have gotten some time actually getting through the brainstorming about the wedding, which means potentially I'll be able to decide some details in the near future. Actually, a few of them already have been decided. I have a dress. :D And I am girlishly, irrationally, giddily excited about said dress. After my last blog entry, Joel and I, and with my parents' visit our families too, have been in pretty serious conversation about how to incorporate the spiritual aspect into our wedding, and also have the time for more intimate relationship with the people closest to us. The night I wrote the blog, Joel and I came to a late-night conclusion that we should have two wedding ceremonies...one on Friday that was casual, worshipful, and close community...one on Saturday that was bigger, more formal, more traditional.
Our families got together (at least in part--we were missing a few people (we missed you, Haidee!) last Sunday, and we got to discuss the two ceremonies idea with both sets of parents. I think the biggest thing I got out of the conversation was when my mom was questioning me about my desire to have genuine worship at my wedding. It's kind of an abstract desire...I know it. But there was something about the passion I felt in explaining to her what genuine worship is that made it clear to me: we need to have one ceremony. If we do something "real and genuine" in the first and something more for show in the second, it's just being afraid of people. Might as well go ahead and scare people by being spiritual and treating God "like He's real" in our actual ceremony. Anything else feels like hiding, and the Bible isn't too kind towards people who hide light or talents or anything else God has given. Hiding is much more my natural tendency...I have to fight it all the time. And it's a new thing to fight it when I'm making decisions along with Joel. But it was fun to see both of us come to the same realization together after the talk with our parents: we want the worship to shine.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wedding Planning
Sometime during college, my cousin Rachel was planning her wedding. She and her mom were rifling through magazines thinking about ways to be artistic. I can remember the excited rush to the back closet where her wedding dress was tucked secretly away, ready and preserved for a few months later. Rachel turned to me in the middle of all this and said, "Pamela, if anyone ever says to you: I'll give you $10,000 to elope instead of spending all this money on the wedding, you should take it." My friend Kat, who got married last summer, told me over skype when I told her I was engaged, "If I were doing it again, I would elope. Seriously." It seems that anyone planning a wedding starts thinking about eloping very quickly.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A big life change
I sat on my futon in Japan sometime the last few months in the country, mind spinning with thoughts about where I would be headed to next. Would God allow me to stay in Tokyo and be involved with the prayer movements that just seemed to be getting going? Was he going to send me to Hong Kong to take another global mission position? Would he send me back to the States forever? I can remember an unsettling feeling as I lifted my fear of this uncertainty up to God...and rather than feeling an empathetic comfort from the Holy Spirit, I felt joy. It was like the Spirit was barely able to hold back the excitement at what was coming, wished to tell me what it was, but couldn't. I was holding on too tightly to where I was at to hear it. But I could sense the emotion, and knew how different it was from how I was feeling. So, I tucked it away as a "Was that God?" type impression.
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Strong Men
These past two weeks have been spent with a drastic increase in working hours for me. I was coaching gymnastics about 14 hours a week, but these past two weeks have been our annual summer gymnastics camp. I've actually gotten used to the alarm going off at seven, though I have been reaffirmed in the fact that having a full time job always feels like not having time to live. I need time for my close relationships so that I have time to pray without feeling pressured about the people I'm 'ignoring' by spending time with God. But this is not a reflection on full time work and how to balance life...I was struck by one of the gymnastics coaches this week, and the effect that he had on the gymnasts.
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Influencing Younglings
Today I sat down to lunch with two of the other coaches, one of whom has a young daughter. She said to me, "Brooke said something funny yesterday...we were playing tennis and she came up to me and said, 'Mommy, I want you to sell our cars.'" The mom was confused about where this had come from until Brooke said, "Pamela walks and rides her bike to work. It's good for the earth. We should sell our cars."
Hee...I remember the girls reacting when they found out I didn't have a car yesterday, but I didn't figure this would translate so much into action. Yay for little kids and their hearts that are so ready to give up everything for what seems good!
Hee...I remember the girls reacting when they found out I didn't have a car yesterday, but I didn't figure this would translate so much into action. Yay for little kids and their hearts that are so ready to give up everything for what seems good!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Best. Birthday Present. Ever.
I got an email yesterday for my birthday! It was from Ayumi, one of my dear Japanese friends. Ayumi and I bonded over computer slideshows of our trips to Africa. She's the one who told me how to get to India to volunteer at Mother Theresa's houses. Like a lot of other Tokyoites, She is always in motion, and following her when we would ride bicycles taught me more about how to weave through people and maintain speed on Japanese streets than anything else. She self-described herself as 50-60% Christian the first year I was in Japan, and we used to sit in cafes and talk about God and deep things until midnight...and then some of her other Christian friends did some hurtful things like tell her that they couldn't really be friends with her if she didn't become a Christian. I lent her a book about Christianity and she vanished for a year, returning to let me know she was worried I didn't want to be her friend either since she couldn't become a Christian or believe in God. Though I reassured her that what she believed wouldn't affect our my friendship towards her, we haven't talked much since that first year at Hongo...she showed up from time to time to ask for help on English corrections for resumes or papers, but she seemed to have that wall of politeness up that tells me all is not quite well in a relationship. I was starting to fear I wouldn't hear from her again.
I woke up yesterday to the first email from Ayumi in eons. It was wishing me a happy birthday, and then also that she had some news to tell me. She got baptized on April 25th!!! I've been walking around at gymnastics these past two days with a secret smile. It's one of those joys that there is literally no way to express in words. There is no way to write down how much it means to see someone I've spent hours speaking with...prayed for with tears...longed for so badly it ached... I long stopped hoping that I would actually *see* Ayumi start following Jesus. She's the first person I've ever seen cross that line.
I woke up yesterday to the first email from Ayumi in eons. It was wishing me a happy birthday, and then also that she had some news to tell me. She got baptized on April 25th!!! I've been walking around at gymnastics these past two days with a secret smile. It's one of those joys that there is literally no way to express in words. There is no way to write down how much it means to see someone I've spent hours speaking with...prayed for with tears...longed for so badly it ached... I long stopped hoping that I would actually *see* Ayumi start following Jesus. She's the first person I've ever seen cross that line.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Return to the virtual world
My memorial day was spent running two errands I've been wanting to run for a long time. One was to take my poor, crippled computer into the Apple Store to figure out why it was dead and how much it would cost to make it undead. The other was to visit a bicycle store and continue my search to find a bike I will love enough to ride on a regular basis. This has been a crazy season of trusting God for money. I made the decision a couple months ago that, no matter how much I was living paycheck to paycheck, I was going to tithe anyway. I've lectured people before about how tithing isn't a legalistic thing, but a declaration of trust. It's one thing to be able to tell that sermon. It's a completely different thing to look at a $500 paycheck, $375 of which will be used for rent...to say nothing of other bills...and decide to place a tenth of it back in God's hands. Questions come up like, "If God is merciful, why would he expect this of me? He does want me to be able to eat, right?"
Then things happen like broken computers, moves away from the person who was providing a mattress for me...
It's been a strange season of life financially. I walk into stores knowing what I have to buy, and those things are on sale. Much less supernaturally feeling, but no less God's blessing, friends and family members have been so generous with me. My parents visited and bought Becc and I a cartload of groceries--which was the reason we had food that month when we had to pay all kinds of up-front rent. My parents were also the reason I was able to buy a bicycle yesterday. Friends have fed me dinner so that we could afford to spend time eating together. Theresa (my old housemate) gave me and Becc so much I will be in her debt forever. Maybe the cool thing about this season is gaining the ability to be thankful and to receive with open hands. I think being able to receive freely and with joy is one of the heart abilities that makes it possible to give cheerfully in return. It's realizing that everything on earth is God's, and that He has been generous with me to such an extent that there isn't fear in poverty. And there is a kind of crazy, cheerful generosity that is possible when there is little. I now feel this little surge of victory every time I'm able to give away my tithe. That knowledge that, if God didn't exist and care for me, it would be insanity to put money in the offering plate.
When I was getting ready to go home to the States, one of the things that made me (in a very Pamela way) excited was the thought that I would have the ability to trust God in the midst of an economic crisis. But my imagination of this was still very American...I imagined that I would have plenty, and that I would be able to give, and open my home, etc. I did not imagine that my vision for a house would become a safe place for my sister as she needed a new start. Or a safe place for my boyfriend as he is in the ranks of unemployed people, and probably in a stage in life where God is teaching him how to receive and trust too. Funny how we always imagined that the poor will be strangers. I certainly never imagined that I would hardly be making enough money to know exactly how things would be taken care of. There was a point when I was making a list in my head of ways poverty was far less romantic than I had somehow previously pictured. I think much of this list was composed in January. Because poverty means you can't skip work if you're sick but well enough to make it there, even if it is 0 degrees outside and you have to walk for half an hour.
On the other hand, living with little gives opportunities for God to show off in his generosity. And yesterday was one of those days. I brought my computer into the Apple Store because I knew that they would tell me what was wrong with it for free. I assumed this would mean I would have to hide away any extra money I could earn for potentially months and then hopefully get it fixed. Because something else I've learned these past few months is that I'd rather have a working computer than a mattress. I need to be connected with my "community across an ocean". I also need to be able to rest by researching silly things (I had no idea how often I do this until my computer was gone...). So, I scheduled an appointment, gave it to them, explained all my problem solving attempts.
The apple store "genius" told me that apple will fix anything hardware for $280 if we shipped it in. This is a flat rate...so, even if the display, the board, and the hard drive were fried, they would replace all three for $280. This was already sounding much better than I'd feared. Then he said they could possibly fix it in house, and booted it from an external hard drive. The diagnostic showed that it was indeed my hard drive that was fried. He asked a few more questions, and then told me, "Actually, we're authorized to replace a hard drive on this model for free, and it will have more space than the one you have now." I have no idea how this all worked out...I didn't ask questions aside from, "Are you for real?!?!" I have no warranty on my computer. They just...gave me a hard drive. I have a working computer.
I don't believe in a prosperity gospel. I'm bothered greatly by the idea that believing in Jesus means we're entitled to anything material. But sometimes love is spoken in material ways, and God speaks that language too. He is not a Santa Claus, granting our every wish and meeting our American materialistic desires. But he does provide, and he can be trusted, and we can give victoriously and generously because of it.
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. :-)
Then things happen like broken computers, moves away from the person who was providing a mattress for me...
It's been a strange season of life financially. I walk into stores knowing what I have to buy, and those things are on sale. Much less supernaturally feeling, but no less God's blessing, friends and family members have been so generous with me. My parents visited and bought Becc and I a cartload of groceries--which was the reason we had food that month when we had to pay all kinds of up-front rent. My parents were also the reason I was able to buy a bicycle yesterday. Friends have fed me dinner so that we could afford to spend time eating together. Theresa (my old housemate) gave me and Becc so much I will be in her debt forever. Maybe the cool thing about this season is gaining the ability to be thankful and to receive with open hands. I think being able to receive freely and with joy is one of the heart abilities that makes it possible to give cheerfully in return. It's realizing that everything on earth is God's, and that He has been generous with me to such an extent that there isn't fear in poverty. And there is a kind of crazy, cheerful generosity that is possible when there is little. I now feel this little surge of victory every time I'm able to give away my tithe. That knowledge that, if God didn't exist and care for me, it would be insanity to put money in the offering plate.
When I was getting ready to go home to the States, one of the things that made me (in a very Pamela way) excited was the thought that I would have the ability to trust God in the midst of an economic crisis. But my imagination of this was still very American...I imagined that I would have plenty, and that I would be able to give, and open my home, etc. I did not imagine that my vision for a house would become a safe place for my sister as she needed a new start. Or a safe place for my boyfriend as he is in the ranks of unemployed people, and probably in a stage in life where God is teaching him how to receive and trust too. Funny how we always imagined that the poor will be strangers. I certainly never imagined that I would hardly be making enough money to know exactly how things would be taken care of. There was a point when I was making a list in my head of ways poverty was far less romantic than I had somehow previously pictured. I think much of this list was composed in January. Because poverty means you can't skip work if you're sick but well enough to make it there, even if it is 0 degrees outside and you have to walk for half an hour.
On the other hand, living with little gives opportunities for God to show off in his generosity. And yesterday was one of those days. I brought my computer into the Apple Store because I knew that they would tell me what was wrong with it for free. I assumed this would mean I would have to hide away any extra money I could earn for potentially months and then hopefully get it fixed. Because something else I've learned these past few months is that I'd rather have a working computer than a mattress. I need to be connected with my "community across an ocean". I also need to be able to rest by researching silly things (I had no idea how often I do this until my computer was gone...). So, I scheduled an appointment, gave it to them, explained all my problem solving attempts.
The apple store "genius" told me that apple will fix anything hardware for $280 if we shipped it in. This is a flat rate...so, even if the display, the board, and the hard drive were fried, they would replace all three for $280. This was already sounding much better than I'd feared. Then he said they could possibly fix it in house, and booted it from an external hard drive. The diagnostic showed that it was indeed my hard drive that was fried. He asked a few more questions, and then told me, "Actually, we're authorized to replace a hard drive on this model for free, and it will have more space than the one you have now." I have no idea how this all worked out...I didn't ask questions aside from, "Are you for real?!?!" I have no warranty on my computer. They just...gave me a hard drive. I have a working computer.
I don't believe in a prosperity gospel. I'm bothered greatly by the idea that believing in Jesus means we're entitled to anything material. But sometimes love is spoken in material ways, and God speaks that language too. He is not a Santa Claus, granting our every wish and meeting our American materialistic desires. But he does provide, and he can be trusted, and we can give victoriously and generously because of it.
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. :-)
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