So, apparently I freaked out at least my parents with my last entry. I wish I could say things well. But, I found another blog that explains what I'm talking about better, I think. It's here.
I think one of the reasons these things I'm figuring out are so radical to me is that I have always kind of lumped sin and The Law into one. So, when Paul does something like chew out the Galatians for 4 chapters about relying on the law, and then spends the chapter after that telling them, "Don't follow the sinful nature!", I get confused, and have to figure out what that means for me and people I love.
One of these days I'll figure this Christianity thing out. ;-)
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Holiness, Righteousness, and Truth (Oh my?)
I have no way to make this short. My apologies in advance for how long this entry is going to be...
At the Holy Spirit Conference this past August, a speaker got up just after a period of sweet worship and challenged our group. He said that the people in this group were to be praised for their seeking the Spirit, but that sometimes we fell short in the truth department. He went on to talk about righteousness...and there was a mind blowing idea for me in this. He said that, if one does a word study on righteousness, you'll find that it is a lot more than being a good person. A righteous person is one who will stand adamantly for truth. (I'd like to look into this a little more to see where he got it). He believed that God had shown him that one would be hard pressed to find three righteous people in all of America.
It was one of those nights where God was so close that it was easy to mutter rash prayers, like, "God, if you will show me how to be righteous, I will follow you." These past few weeks I've decided that any time I've sung the song, "Righteousness, righteousness is what I long for..." it's probably been a lie. Sigh. I am sometimes so content to allow people around me to stand deceived. There are a million strategies I employ almost daily to keep people from knowing what I believe. Truth is not such a popular thing in America or Japan. We prefer comfort. And it's much easier for me to cater to the need for comfort of those around me than to allow any truths I believe to come out and throw that off.
I think of words like righteousness and holiness as religious words that have lost any real meaning in the English language. They're most often used to reflect hollow piety. I suspect that most Americans using the word "righteous" mean 'self-righteous, Pharisaical, and hypocritical'. And this is a far cry--and a twisting--of the true meaning. True righteousness and holiness, I believe, would result in a kind of courageous, strong beauty. The kind of greatness that Jesus lived as he both lowered himself to wash his disciples feet and reamed the Pharisees with passionate truth.
A little while ago, a friend's comment left me reeling for several days. It was this: "God's first priority is not actually us...it is his glory...we are the crown of creation, true, but sometimes he just wants someone to go around preaching judgment and calling people to account...not for their good, but actually for their destruction." This comment overlapped with me reading Romans 9 and feeling as though I actually understood it for the first time...what it might mean when Paul says, "What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory" (9:22-23). These are the kinds of statements that leave me quivering. They clash violently with everything I grew up knowing...with every way I've learned and sought to serve God. They are the kinds of realizations that make me identify completely with Isaiah falling on his face and declaring woes on himself and his people upon getting a glimpse of the Holy One.
Two nights ago I sat down with the most intense person I have ever met. He's a Nigerian Christian named Miracle. We had prayed together at a student mission organization at Concordia, and he'd decided we should get together and talk some more. It felt something like an interview. We sat down across from each other on some couches and he would ask me question after question with a blank, unreadable expression on his face. He is, without question, one of those black-and-white truth people I would (affectionately) label a prophet.
Perhaps the most amusing part was when I was saying how I didn't know if I would go back to Japan or not. He kind of smiled and said, "You'll go back." I started to argue with him just because he was so sure about it, and so he stopped me, and this followed:
M: What if God says, "Go back to Japan, but it's going to be hard." Will you go?
P: Of course.
M: What if he says, "Go to Japan, but they're going to torture you for following me," Will you go?
P: If God says it, I'm going.
M: What if he says, "Go, but they're going to kill you." What then?
P: If God says 'go', I'm going! The consequences have nothing to do with it.
He sat back against the couch and said very matter-of-factly: "You'll go back". I tried to insist to him that I would answer any question beginning with "If God says..." with an "of course!". So, he then asked me, "Okay, so God says go to South Africa. Are you going?" I said yes. Thirty seconds later, I said, "But...I don't really think I'm going to South Africa." He just laughed at me then and wanted to know what was holding me back from returning to Japan.
...the power of good questions.
So, I "passed" all of the questions in his interview until we got to his question, "How does a person get to heaven?" Apparently what's been bugging him the most about being with all these Lutherans is the idea of 'grace alone'. So, we argued about this until Haidee came to rescue me sometime around 12:45am. His argument is that an unrighteous person will not be saved.
I ended up at home the next day devouring the entire book of Romans...and I am amazed at how much righteousness enters into this book about grace and mercy. Paul talks about salvation as being "slavery to righteousness". There are verses like this:
At the Holy Spirit Conference this past August, a speaker got up just after a period of sweet worship and challenged our group. He said that the people in this group were to be praised for their seeking the Spirit, but that sometimes we fell short in the truth department. He went on to talk about righteousness...and there was a mind blowing idea for me in this. He said that, if one does a word study on righteousness, you'll find that it is a lot more than being a good person. A righteous person is one who will stand adamantly for truth. (I'd like to look into this a little more to see where he got it). He believed that God had shown him that one would be hard pressed to find three righteous people in all of America.
It was one of those nights where God was so close that it was easy to mutter rash prayers, like, "God, if you will show me how to be righteous, I will follow you." These past few weeks I've decided that any time I've sung the song, "Righteousness, righteousness is what I long for..." it's probably been a lie. Sigh. I am sometimes so content to allow people around me to stand deceived. There are a million strategies I employ almost daily to keep people from knowing what I believe. Truth is not such a popular thing in America or Japan. We prefer comfort. And it's much easier for me to cater to the need for comfort of those around me than to allow any truths I believe to come out and throw that off.
I think of words like righteousness and holiness as religious words that have lost any real meaning in the English language. They're most often used to reflect hollow piety. I suspect that most Americans using the word "righteous" mean 'self-righteous, Pharisaical, and hypocritical'. And this is a far cry--and a twisting--of the true meaning. True righteousness and holiness, I believe, would result in a kind of courageous, strong beauty. The kind of greatness that Jesus lived as he both lowered himself to wash his disciples feet and reamed the Pharisees with passionate truth.
A little while ago, a friend's comment left me reeling for several days. It was this: "God's first priority is not actually us...it is his glory...we are the crown of creation, true, but sometimes he just wants someone to go around preaching judgment and calling people to account...not for their good, but actually for their destruction." This comment overlapped with me reading Romans 9 and feeling as though I actually understood it for the first time...what it might mean when Paul says, "What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory" (9:22-23). These are the kinds of statements that leave me quivering. They clash violently with everything I grew up knowing...with every way I've learned and sought to serve God. They are the kinds of realizations that make me identify completely with Isaiah falling on his face and declaring woes on himself and his people upon getting a glimpse of the Holy One.
Two nights ago I sat down with the most intense person I have ever met. He's a Nigerian Christian named Miracle. We had prayed together at a student mission organization at Concordia, and he'd decided we should get together and talk some more. It felt something like an interview. We sat down across from each other on some couches and he would ask me question after question with a blank, unreadable expression on his face. He is, without question, one of those black-and-white truth people I would (affectionately) label a prophet.
Perhaps the most amusing part was when I was saying how I didn't know if I would go back to Japan or not. He kind of smiled and said, "You'll go back." I started to argue with him just because he was so sure about it, and so he stopped me, and this followed:
M: What if God says, "Go back to Japan, but it's going to be hard." Will you go?
P: Of course.
M: What if he says, "Go to Japan, but they're going to torture you for following me," Will you go?
P: If God says it, I'm going.
M: What if he says, "Go, but they're going to kill you." What then?
P: If God says 'go', I'm going! The consequences have nothing to do with it.
He sat back against the couch and said very matter-of-factly: "You'll go back". I tried to insist to him that I would answer any question beginning with "If God says..." with an "of course!". So, he then asked me, "Okay, so God says go to South Africa. Are you going?" I said yes. Thirty seconds later, I said, "But...I don't really think I'm going to South Africa." He just laughed at me then and wanted to know what was holding me back from returning to Japan.
...the power of good questions.
So, I "passed" all of the questions in his interview until we got to his question, "How does a person get to heaven?" Apparently what's been bugging him the most about being with all these Lutherans is the idea of 'grace alone'. So, we argued about this until Haidee came to rescue me sometime around 12:45am. His argument is that an unrighteous person will not be saved.
I ended up at home the next day devouring the entire book of Romans...and I am amazed at how much righteousness enters into this book about grace and mercy. Paul talks about salvation as being "slavery to righteousness". There are verses like this:
- "To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger." (2:7-8)
- "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ" (5:17)
- "But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (5:21)
- "But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life" (6:22)
- "And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. ... For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God" (8:3-4;13-14).
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Fondness for my boss
I've realized over the past week that I am growing exceptionally fond of my 80-year-old, retired doctor, boss. I wish I had a picture of him to show you. He has wispy white hair and wears high-top sneakers. He talks in a way that's somewhat dry, and he's never said goodbye on the telephone...he just kind of hangs up when he figures the conversation is over. But this past week I'm starting to recognize the way he cares about people. He's a protector. And I am exceptionally fond of protectors...as long as they aren't the clingy, worried type. My lifestyle tends to alarm clingy, worried type protectors...and that's a shut-down, because usually the aspects that worry them are the paths I've chosen out of love and faith.
Bud's lifestyle is probably equally "unwise" to mine...at 80 years old, he's still out organizing conventions on immigration churches, to say nothing of the book we're working on. A couple weeks ago he scratched himself and started bleeding all over the place and he just slipped out to the hospital and came back an hour later so we could do a four hour interview with one of the missionaries who helped start the hospital in Bangladesh. I joked with him on the way to the car yesterday, "So, you're going to rest in heaven, huh?" He just grinned.
I was reminded today that Bud, retired though he may be, is definitely still a doctor, though. I had a slight, slight, slight fever on Sunday. And so we had an interview on Monday and I was having a little trouble concentrating because of my cold. I apologized to Bud for not being quite with it...though in our conversation in the car on the way back from the interview we decided that the trouble concentrating had been mutual and was possibly due to our interviewee's tendency to switch subjects very quickly and then ramble about them. But, today I got a phone call from Bud--a typical 1.5 minute long one. It went something like this:
B: Umm...are you alright?
P: Yeah...I just have a cold. That's all.
B: But...is it getting better and not worse?
P: Yeah. Yeah, it's getting better.
B: Well, do you want to rest tomorrow?
P: Really, it's just a cold. I can do anything.
B: I think you'd better rest tomorrow too. We'll meet on Thursday.
P: Well...if that's when you want to meet, but really...
B: *click*
I don't know what it was about that short conversation that left me feeling loved. Even though I'm still sitting here thinking that a headache and sore throat do not justify a day off.
Bud's lifestyle is probably equally "unwise" to mine...at 80 years old, he's still out organizing conventions on immigration churches, to say nothing of the book we're working on. A couple weeks ago he scratched himself and started bleeding all over the place and he just slipped out to the hospital and came back an hour later so we could do a four hour interview with one of the missionaries who helped start the hospital in Bangladesh. I joked with him on the way to the car yesterday, "So, you're going to rest in heaven, huh?" He just grinned.
I was reminded today that Bud, retired though he may be, is definitely still a doctor, though. I had a slight, slight, slight fever on Sunday. And so we had an interview on Monday and I was having a little trouble concentrating because of my cold. I apologized to Bud for not being quite with it...though in our conversation in the car on the way back from the interview we decided that the trouble concentrating had been mutual and was possibly due to our interviewee's tendency to switch subjects very quickly and then ramble about them. But, today I got a phone call from Bud--a typical 1.5 minute long one. It went something like this:
B: Umm...are you alright?
P: Yeah...I just have a cold. That's all.
B: But...is it getting better and not worse?
P: Yeah. Yeah, it's getting better.
B: Well, do you want to rest tomorrow?
P: Really, it's just a cold. I can do anything.
B: I think you'd better rest tomorrow too. We'll meet on Thursday.
P: Well...if that's when you want to meet, but really...
B: *click*
I don't know what it was about that short conversation that left me feeling loved. Even though I'm still sitting here thinking that a headache and sore throat do not justify a day off.
Monday, October 12, 2009
In Which I Laugh at Myself
I have a tendency to give other people the advice I actually need to hear. My younger sister has been trying to figure out her path in life recently. And when she went from, "I'm going to culinary school" to "I'm going to be an aquarium scientist!"...I told her, "Just give yourself permission to be lost for a little while! You don't have to figure out your life just yet."
Do you ever have those times in life when you desperately want God to have spoken, and so you keep trying to see his speaking everywhere...yet he hasn't really spoken yet? I have this problem sometimes. Especially during transitions. My projections of the future have been flopping from continent to continent like crazy these past few weeks. It's looked something like this:
-I'm pretty sure God's not going to let me go back to Japan. But, India has been popping up a lot. I think I might be going there.
-On second thought, maybe I should go to med school...
-Never mind...I still hate needles. On a different note...that guy was really interesting and he might move to Afghanistan to do Bible translating. We could get married, and...
-No planning marriages with people you've only met once, Pamela! Moving on...isn't it interesting how easy it was to pray for Albania compared to other countries...and there is church planting ministry there! Maybe I'll look for mission work in Albania.
-Though I also have a heart for Burma...but that's tricky. I wonder where I'd need to be to become part of that...
-No, I think I might be going back to Japan after all. In fact, I'm going to join a ministry fairly similar to the one I was just a part of...
-What, am I crazy?! I really don't want English teaching to be my ministry anymore. It drains energy from the ministries I think are really important...*returns to Asian Access website for the first time in several months* ...maybe I'll be a church planter in Japan.
This all seems suspiciously like an indication that God has not spoken yet about what I'm doing next. But, the fun part about discerning is that, God actually is speaking. I just won't recognize the pieces until He thinks I'm ready. I was realizing that a lot of the countries I'm attracted to have something in common: they're underdog countries in the spiritual world.
Did you know that Albania has a super high concentration of Muslims? I ached for them while we were praying just thinking of how many lies they've heard throughout their existence. Under the iron curtain, their government told them they were the most developed nation in the world. The curtain fell and the truth was obvious. The lies continue, though...as the outside world tries to tell them that material things will bring the satisfaction they want. Islam promises satisfaction through a religious system and one's own holiness rather than Christ's. I yearn for truth in Albania.
Burma / Myanmar grabbed my heart when the cyclone hit during my first 24/7 week at Hongo. That meant I had plenty of time to pray for things, and, not knowing *anything* about Burma I pleaded that God would use the disaster to open the doors for His love to make it in. Only later did I realize how serious the need for this is. I looked everywhere for a group to go with to do volunteer work in Burma during that summer vacation...the government thwarted the Assemblies of God group I found. We were told by our Christian contact we would be allowed to go and be driven around to see the damage, but if we tried to rebuild anything we would be arrested. We didn't go.
Though the outside is completely different, I think Japan has a lot in common with Albania and Burma. I know I can't put that into words.
I don't know if God will give me a chance to touch all these places that I love...or a chance for my love for Albania or Burma to actually be tested and purified into something deep and real rather than a surface emotion. But it's been a good realization these past few weeks: I can serve God anywhere. There isn't a corner of this world that doesn't need missionaries. And I think the front line of mission work is going to be defined more by *who* God has made us to be than *where* God has placed us. There is a kind of freedom in that...freedom to laugh at myself when I don't have a clue and make ridiculous grand assumptions about where I'm going. And freedom to continue to be a missionary all the same, because that is who I am, wherever I am.
Do you ever have those times in life when you desperately want God to have spoken, and so you keep trying to see his speaking everywhere...yet he hasn't really spoken yet? I have this problem sometimes. Especially during transitions. My projections of the future have been flopping from continent to continent like crazy these past few weeks. It's looked something like this:
-I'm pretty sure God's not going to let me go back to Japan. But, India has been popping up a lot. I think I might be going there.
-On second thought, maybe I should go to med school...
-Never mind...I still hate needles. On a different note...that guy was really interesting and he might move to Afghanistan to do Bible translating. We could get married, and...
-No planning marriages with people you've only met once, Pamela! Moving on...isn't it interesting how easy it was to pray for Albania compared to other countries...and there is church planting ministry there! Maybe I'll look for mission work in Albania.
-Though I also have a heart for Burma...but that's tricky. I wonder where I'd need to be to become part of that...
-No, I think I might be going back to Japan after all. In fact, I'm going to join a ministry fairly similar to the one I was just a part of...
-What, am I crazy?! I really don't want English teaching to be my ministry anymore. It drains energy from the ministries I think are really important...*returns to Asian Access website for the first time in several months* ...maybe I'll be a church planter in Japan.
This all seems suspiciously like an indication that God has not spoken yet about what I'm doing next. But, the fun part about discerning is that, God actually is speaking. I just won't recognize the pieces until He thinks I'm ready. I was realizing that a lot of the countries I'm attracted to have something in common: they're underdog countries in the spiritual world.
Did you know that Albania has a super high concentration of Muslims? I ached for them while we were praying just thinking of how many lies they've heard throughout their existence. Under the iron curtain, their government told them they were the most developed nation in the world. The curtain fell and the truth was obvious. The lies continue, though...as the outside world tries to tell them that material things will bring the satisfaction they want. Islam promises satisfaction through a religious system and one's own holiness rather than Christ's. I yearn for truth in Albania.
Burma / Myanmar grabbed my heart when the cyclone hit during my first 24/7 week at Hongo. That meant I had plenty of time to pray for things, and, not knowing *anything* about Burma I pleaded that God would use the disaster to open the doors for His love to make it in. Only later did I realize how serious the need for this is. I looked everywhere for a group to go with to do volunteer work in Burma during that summer vacation...the government thwarted the Assemblies of God group I found. We were told by our Christian contact we would be allowed to go and be driven around to see the damage, but if we tried to rebuild anything we would be arrested. We didn't go.
Though the outside is completely different, I think Japan has a lot in common with Albania and Burma. I know I can't put that into words.
I don't know if God will give me a chance to touch all these places that I love...or a chance for my love for Albania or Burma to actually be tested and purified into something deep and real rather than a surface emotion. But it's been a good realization these past few weeks: I can serve God anywhere. There isn't a corner of this world that doesn't need missionaries. And I think the front line of mission work is going to be defined more by *who* God has made us to be than *where* God has placed us. There is a kind of freedom in that...freedom to laugh at myself when I don't have a clue and make ridiculous grand assumptions about where I'm going. And freedom to continue to be a missionary all the same, because that is who I am, wherever I am.
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