The Flood Waters

"Here's the word of encouragement to you today: ... Whether the increase in pressure is circumstances or if it's an increase of the Lord's presence in us...I want you to know that it is God's heart not to destroy us, not to simply overwhelm us, but he desires to dig a deeper channel in our lives to increase our capacity to receive the fullness of what he has for us." ~Pr. Jim Olson, Bethel Christian Fellowship, 7/10/11

Psalm 93 NLT: "The floods have risen up, oh Lord, the floods have roared like thunder, the floods have lifted their pounding waves, but mightier than the violent raging of the seas, mightier than the breakers on the shore, the Lord above is mightier than these."

Last week felt like the final straw. I found out that my grandpa had died. He was 94, and while the death was sudden, it wasn't unexpected. But it has followed so much else...

My godfather, a close uncle--one I have danced international folk dances with, lived with on college breaks when my Wyoming home was too far away, who spoke to me about God, and was one of the ones I remember smiling with joy in me when I decided to follow God's first call to Japan--passed away from leukemia about two weeks before that.

The departure for Japan was made a thousand times more stressful by a doctor telling me that I might have cancer and might not be able to have children...a quick process followed through a diagnostic surgery that declared me cancer free but was too rushed to have time to ask any questions or get any answers about fertility.

At that same time, my dad received a new call (as a pastor) and my parents moved away from the hometown I grew up in, away from the house we built.

I've had a lot of stressful things happen in life, but I've never had so many happen all at once. All of this seems to have been accompanied by a switch in life circumstances that shuts out every way I had of filling myself...I am working full time, which I have never done well with. I miss my husband: Joel and I were together pretty much every moment all summer, and when I began working in September our schedules no longer give us a mutual day off. I'm missing time alone to recharge. I'm missing friends who help me process. I'm missing Bethel (my church in the Cities)--the ability to sit in that congregation of people with their hands in the air, worshiping Him without abandon...somewhere I can worship and cry out for healing all in the same service...somewhere where the questions I toss up to God in prayer are so often answered by a human voice speaking for Him within the same service.

In a message of Pastor Jim's that I just listened to tonight (though it's a couple months old), he showed images of flooding in North Dakota and talked about a situation where they had to let extra water out of the dikes because of all the pressure. They were worried about homes down stream from the dike, but something amazing happened. The huge influx of water lowered the flood level by making the river bed deeper. One fishing hole went from being its usual 15 feet deep to 50. He used that extra water sent through the dike as a metaphor for the extra pressure God sends through our lives.

That metaphor brings strength to my heart. I put the actual quote at the top of the blog, but the word that "it is God's heart not to destroy us, not to simply overwhelm us, but he desires to dig a deeper channel in our lives to increase our capacity to receive the fullness of what he has for us." I think of the deep realization around when I was moving to Japan, and one of the dangerous prayers* that started this most recent journey out: "God, please do whatever is necessary to make it so that you, and not my environment, are the source of my joy and fulfillment."

And I hope tonight, as I look up at Jesus, that as lots of gunk rises up in my heart from pressure, that He'll work this river bed down low, low, low. Because I want to be a river of life regardless of pain, regardless of an ability to protect my personal time, regardless of what kind of church I'm attending. Lord, have mercy! I need transforming grace. Thanks be to God...the goal of all this isn't to destroy me, nor to leave me hopeless or in despair. Please, Lord, don't let me forget it.

*I define a dangerous prayers as some of those that rise up from deep in our spirits...prayers that are of great cost to our fleshy, sinful natures when God answers them. They are prayers along the lines of, "God, please do whatever is necessary to keep me humble." They are nods to the surgeon God waiting only for that consent before He will take the cancer out of us painfully, life-savingly.