I met a man very briefly a few days ago, but he had a large impact. Doug tends to introduce me to everyone who comes into the gymnastics office, and this man was going to lunch with him. He told John that I had lived in Japan and was going to get married in April. John had been stationed in Japan during a war and talked about working in the post room on an army base. He was one of those people I trusted instinctually because of the gentleness and sincerity of his questions. I told him about teaching Bible classes and the Japanese response to it.
It was the end of the conversation that really moved me, though. John had one of those sets of eyes that just seems to see you. And he looked at me very sincerely and said, "So you've gone from that life to getting married in less than two years. That's a lot of change."
I was relieved that he and Doug left for lunch at that point, because I was fighting back grateful tears at someone seeing me like that. It's crazy how rare it is for us to truly stop and be present, and how amazing to be the recipient of the gift of five minutes of real attention.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Community Sabbath Night
A couple weeks ago, a sermon sparked an idea for the house in my mind, which was to open up our doors on Sundays for a community Sabbath time. Yesterday was our first run at the experiment, and I have to say, it was really great. The best stories about community can't be recorded in blogs, because they're about the growth that each individual is experiencing within the community. I love seeing everyone being more fully the person that God has created them to be.
The day started at church, with my sister bravely inviting a whole host of people over. We ended up having three people from church, plus Joel, Becca's boyfriend Carleton, and the four of us who live in the house. Becca is really beginning to find her courage in making invitations, and I'm thrilled to see it!
Lexi had planned an incredible meal for the day. I haven't met anyone who plans meals quite like Lexi. We had butternut squash soup with chicken, Swedish meatballs with lingonberry, mashed potatoes, and a breaded apple dessert. All amazing, as usual.
While all of this was going on, Becca assembled our little prayer room. We have a beautiful sun room with windows on all three sides. Rachel was using it as a computer room for awhile, but she finally got a loft so her computer could go into her room and we make a space just for prayer. We spread out pillows, a keyboard, and a guitar. Becca got out colorful scarves and hung them as decorations.
I spent the afternoon planning a last minute Bible study on Sabbath, and enjoying deep conversations about what holy rest really is, and what keeps us from it. Rachel sat with me a lot of the time and helped ask great clarifying questions to help me get my thoughts focused.
Joel, in the middle of this, was making bread from scratch. I don't think he's managed it quite to his satisfaction yet, but it seems pretty tasty to me! I've been talking to Joel about how much I'd love for him to be part of ministry along with me--and it was amazing to see him really step up to it yesterday. He was in the kitchen washing dishes and supporting Lexi and Becca, out in the living room with Rachel and me adding wise comments about rest--and baking bread in the midst of all that.
Our guests arrived in time for dinner, and it was fun just to see the diversity. The leader of Macalaster's Christian fellowship, who was scribbling down questions for her group to process together that evening. A girl who had stood in front of the church that Sunday and told the congregation how she'd tried to commit suicide four years ago and been saved, and implored them to look to God for hope during the holidays. Our third planned guest is a single mom, and couldn't make it because her daughter fell asleep.
The guests were mostly only there for dinner, but there was a wonderful restful time after that. There was dancing. Community stretching. :) Fresh baked bread. Red velvet holiday milk. (I had to try it...)
The four of us and Joel got to study Sabbath in the Bible and talk about how to get into that mindset, and I was blown over by the depth that the people in our house are reaching. I don't know why it was so clear yesterday how much everyone has grown--but I feel like people have been having spiritual growth spurts recently. And it was incredible to see...Joel being willing to really engage in the community...Becca realizing that she wants to be more sacrificial with people and learn how to listen...Lexi being open to change in a way that's vulnerable and humble...Rachel growing in a desire to live without fear...me actually stepping up into leadership without my usual excuses.
We all had to laugh at ourselves at the end of the day, because we actually did a pretty lousy job of resting. It almost felt like a day when we saw what the opposite of resting was for most of us. But, despite the mad rush of cooking and cleaning and dish washing and Bible study planning, it was a pretty wonderful community day. We may learn how to rest yet one of these days. :)
The day started at church, with my sister bravely inviting a whole host of people over. We ended up having three people from church, plus Joel, Becca's boyfriend Carleton, and the four of us who live in the house. Becca is really beginning to find her courage in making invitations, and I'm thrilled to see it!
Lexi had planned an incredible meal for the day. I haven't met anyone who plans meals quite like Lexi. We had butternut squash soup with chicken, Swedish meatballs with lingonberry, mashed potatoes, and a breaded apple dessert. All amazing, as usual.
While all of this was going on, Becca assembled our little prayer room. We have a beautiful sun room with windows on all three sides. Rachel was using it as a computer room for awhile, but she finally got a loft so her computer could go into her room and we make a space just for prayer. We spread out pillows, a keyboard, and a guitar. Becca got out colorful scarves and hung them as decorations.
I spent the afternoon planning a last minute Bible study on Sabbath, and enjoying deep conversations about what holy rest really is, and what keeps us from it. Rachel sat with me a lot of the time and helped ask great clarifying questions to help me get my thoughts focused.
Joel, in the middle of this, was making bread from scratch. I don't think he's managed it quite to his satisfaction yet, but it seems pretty tasty to me! I've been talking to Joel about how much I'd love for him to be part of ministry along with me--and it was amazing to see him really step up to it yesterday. He was in the kitchen washing dishes and supporting Lexi and Becca, out in the living room with Rachel and me adding wise comments about rest--and baking bread in the midst of all that.
Our guests arrived in time for dinner, and it was fun just to see the diversity. The leader of Macalaster's Christian fellowship, who was scribbling down questions for her group to process together that evening. A girl who had stood in front of the church that Sunday and told the congregation how she'd tried to commit suicide four years ago and been saved, and implored them to look to God for hope during the holidays. Our third planned guest is a single mom, and couldn't make it because her daughter fell asleep.
The guests were mostly only there for dinner, but there was a wonderful restful time after that. There was dancing. Community stretching. :) Fresh baked bread. Red velvet holiday milk. (I had to try it...)
The four of us and Joel got to study Sabbath in the Bible and talk about how to get into that mindset, and I was blown over by the depth that the people in our house are reaching. I don't know why it was so clear yesterday how much everyone has grown--but I feel like people have been having spiritual growth spurts recently. And it was incredible to see...Joel being willing to really engage in the community...Becca realizing that she wants to be more sacrificial with people and learn how to listen...Lexi being open to change in a way that's vulnerable and humble...Rachel growing in a desire to live without fear...me actually stepping up into leadership without my usual excuses.
We all had to laugh at ourselves at the end of the day, because we actually did a pretty lousy job of resting. It almost felt like a day when we saw what the opposite of resting was for most of us. But, despite the mad rush of cooking and cleaning and dish washing and Bible study planning, it was a pretty wonderful community day. We may learn how to rest yet one of these days. :)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Leaving things behind
When I moved to Japan, I worked on this picture over the course of a month as part of the process of letting go of my old life and embracing a new one. I drew all the things in the boxes "behind me" that couldn't come along. There was a Spanish dictionary, and my preschool Sunday school curriculum. I drew remnants of past activities: handbell gloves, a rapier sword, my baby bonsai tree, my ballet slippers. I drew photographs of family and friends, though these pictures came along with me in real life, as a reminder of the people I was leaving behind. I drew Ebony's toy bone. My favorite childhood teddy bear. I drew my college diploma on the wall behind me. The only objects in front in the picture were my packed bags and my little homemade alter, a framed "Footprints" picture on the wall to show that I was following Jesus now.
It was hard to put all of those things in boxes when I moved to Japan, but there was this rush of excitement about the whole thing too. It was so easy to love Jesus as I was taking off in this adventure with him--and so easy to feel his excitement and love at getting to bring me along with him across the ocean.
I've been thinking about this because the past few days my relationship with Joel keeps putting me in tears. I hate it when that happens. Joel is one of the biggest blessings in my life--and my sadness always feels like ingratitude. But I realized today that I think it is a normal part of the transition. So I've been trying to figure out what part of it is healthy.
This is what life has looked like the past few weeks: there are so many huge decisions to be made with Joel, and we approach major (and minor) decisions completely oppositely. In fact, we approach life in general completely oppositely. So, we end up having intense conversations about these decisions and life long into the night. Then, we manage to reach a resolution and find the way we're going to love each other in the midst of these intense differences--and it creates the sweetest love (at least emotionally speaking). And for a period of time we are mushy and inseparable with joy at the victory.
In the midst of that, I usually have about a 30 item to do list for Spirit Gymnastics--I've helped Doug make some major financial victories over the past few weeks, and the business is much healthier than it was. I have admin meetings three mornings a week now. When new people come into the office Doug introduces himself as *my* administrative assistant, and he's only half joking. I'm also still trying to create a healthy Christian community in the house I started, though that mostly involves fighting guilt because of how little energy I have for it most days, unfortunately. But, we now have a really nice time three mornings a week. We wake up at 7 on Monday and Wednesday to spend time with God individually together. And Thursdays at 7 we pray together. And I keep processing and praying about ways to try to lead the girls and myself deeper and further with Jesus. And then processing and praying about how leadership works in my head vs. how it actually seems to work in reality. Somewhere in the middle of my relationship building with Joel, doing admin for Spirit, and attempting to lead the House, I'm also finding and settling on a caterer, potential reception site, photographer, and florist . . . and figure out this whole cake / pie / whatever dilemma for the wedding.
Sheesh. I don't have nearly enough praying hours in my week to manage that kind of busyness. Having written all of that down, I'm not as surprised that I found myself researching plane tickets this afternoon so I could run away to India or Japan. Yes, of course the whole time I knew that I couldn't go, and that I wouldn't go, and that I didn't even really want to run away from everything right now . . . but I was still surprisingly and honestly disappointed when I realized that, even if I wanted to run away and just take care of sick people in India, or go process life with some of my good friends in Japan, I couldn't. My passport has been MIA for about two moves now. And the plane ticket would wipe out pretty much every cent I have.
But somewhere in the middle of my silly freaking out today, I ended up at an internet page talking about the emotional aspect of getting married. There were a few really freeing quotes (I've kind of pasted them together here):
Why would a bride feel fear and sadness in the months preceding her most cherished day? In order to answer this question, we must look at the wedding as a rite of passage. ... Simply, a rite of passage is a major turning point in life where we experience a change in identity. It is a time of transition where the old way of life ceases to fit and the new life has not yet taken hold. ... A change of identity involves loss; and loss always, no matter how beautiful and bountiful the gains, involves grief. ... The problem is not the sadness or fear; the problem is an ingrained cultural belief that equates these feelings with the notion that you are making a mistake. ... This realization of all that [you're] giving up is an essential part of the letting go and grieving process. In order to prepare the ground for the new identity to take root, the old identity needs to be weeded and grieved.
So, I was thinking about my picture from moving to Japan, and how it had been nice to draw it and acknowledge what was being left behind. It was a part of the weeding and grieving. The move to Japan was wonderful--and terribly painful. But it didn't take very long before I saw that the boxes behind me were things I was ready to leave behind, and was overjoyed at some wonderful new additions to my identity.
This time my boxes feel a little more abstract. It's "Pamela the Missionary" who feels like she's fading out of existence. And to put "Pamela the Missionary" in a coffin feels like it would mean not following God anymore. Needless to say, I would not be cool with that. But I also don't think it's true. At least, I don't think that giving up the job title of missionary has anything to do with following God or not. But I haven't figured out what following God is supposed to look like at this stage of life. And the tension between the old way of following him and this new, unknown way is painful and confusing, and is resulting in me feeling guilty nearly perpetually as I am not living up to my old expectations.
Regardless of how abstract the boxes are, though, it was nice to realize that all that's going on is that I'm moving again--only this time there will be no ocean to cross and no literal suitcases to pack. It's a time to sort out the old life from the new. A time to cross into just as much of an unknown territory as a foreign country was--existing as a person who is being made into "one flesh" instead of being a single person. If that were the only identity shift, I don't know if it would even be as intense as it is. But I suppose this has been a triple whammy. I've gone from living in Japan to living in America. From working as a church worker to becoming an administrative assistant in a sports institution. The past year and a half has been the identity lobotomy of a lifetime. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself...I don't know.
But it was nice to read the article and finally feel like there is permission to cry over the self that I'm losing--and permission to sit back and contemplate which parts of me that feel threatened need to be protected and supported, and which parts I can pack up and put into storage or throw away. I may not really have as much control of the process as that, but it always puts me at ease if I can see my emotions in a context of healthy transitioning, rather than as a mysterious, destructive force. :) It's funny how looking at it that way seems to make me feel much more free to experience both sadness and joy in my upcoming marriage all at the same time.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Excitement for Health Care Reform
This will probably be one of the only political posts you will ever see on this blog, but I just got a social action e-newsletter I receive which reminded me that the first wave of health care reform changes came into affect on Sept. 23rd. They don't do anything to change my uninsured condition, but the list of what is coming into affect still excites me a lot. It feels fair and good. And I am still an idealist at heart who likes to think that even major corporate insurance companies can be run in a way that is both sustainable and good. Joel and I had a lot of conversations about this back before we were dating and when we just started dating, because I am the idealist who celebrates whenever any additional "goodness" seems to enter the world, and he is the business major who wonders how insurance companies are going to stay standing now that they must dole out this "additional goodness". I also heard from a nurse practitioner who runs a street clinic that, if the whole nation got health insurance, we actually wouldn't have enough doctors to treat people.
There are problems. But there will be problems no matter what. And now, if our problem is trying to find a way to increase the number of doctors to what the nation actually needs . . . or if the problem is re-managing the exchange of money in the health care system so that insurance companies can stay afloat without abusing their clients . . . it feels better to me than the low income person who goes completely under financially because their health insurance dropped them after they became sick.
So, here's what I am excited about today. It's from www.whitehouse.gov/healthreform.
Starting this past week:
-There is a ban on discriminating against kids with pre-existing conditions. In 2014, no one seeking coverage can be discriminated against because of a pre-existing condition.
-Ban on insurance companies dropping coverage because of an unintentional mistake on your insurance application.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting coverage over a lifetime.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting choice of doctors
-Ban on insurance companies restricting ER care to a specific emergency room.
-Guarantee you a right to appeal to an independent 3rd party if you are denied coverage or have your treatment restricted.
-Covering young adults on parent's plan. You're allowed to be on your parents' plan now until the age of 26 or until you have job related insurance of your own.
-Covering preventive care with no cost. "Services like mammograms, colonoscopies, immunizations, pre-natal and new baby care will be covered and insurance companies will be prohibited from charging deductibles, co-payments or co-insurance".
I don't know about you, especially those of you out there who are economically minded enough to understand the financial impacts of these bans on the companies we rely on to even have insurance in the first place--but I'm pretty excited. :D
There are problems. But there will be problems no matter what. And now, if our problem is trying to find a way to increase the number of doctors to what the nation actually needs . . . or if the problem is re-managing the exchange of money in the health care system so that insurance companies can stay afloat without abusing their clients . . . it feels better to me than the low income person who goes completely under financially because their health insurance dropped them after they became sick.
So, here's what I am excited about today. It's from www.whitehouse.gov/healthreform.
Starting this past week:
-There is a ban on discriminating against kids with pre-existing conditions. In 2014, no one seeking coverage can be discriminated against because of a pre-existing condition.
-Ban on insurance companies dropping coverage because of an unintentional mistake on your insurance application.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting coverage over a lifetime.
-Ban on insurance companies limiting choice of doctors
-Ban on insurance companies restricting ER care to a specific emergency room.
-Guarantee you a right to appeal to an independent 3rd party if you are denied coverage or have your treatment restricted.
-Covering young adults on parent's plan. You're allowed to be on your parents' plan now until the age of 26 or until you have job related insurance of your own.
-Covering preventive care with no cost. "Services like mammograms, colonoscopies, immunizations, pre-natal and new baby care will be covered and insurance companies will be prohibited from charging deductibles, co-payments or co-insurance".
I don't know about you, especially those of you out there who are economically minded enough to understand the financial impacts of these bans on the companies we rely on to even have insurance in the first place--but I'm pretty excited. :D
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wedding Planning Revisited
I feel like I have done way too much talking about weddings this past week. I knew it was bad when I woke up this morning, having dreamed that my wedding was today and just exactly as planned as it is right now (a.k.a. nothing was planned). On top of the complete lack of anything being done, the wedding was going to start at 5pm, and it was 4:38 and my family had not shown up to drive me to the site, so I had to get completely ready for the wedding and plan whatever was happening for the reception afterwards in 22 minutes. This is when I have to wake up and decide it's time for a spiritual retreat or something.
My parents have been visiting this week, and we have gotten some time actually getting through the brainstorming about the wedding, which means potentially I'll be able to decide some details in the near future. Actually, a few of them already have been decided. I have a dress. :D And I am girlishly, irrationally, giddily excited about said dress. After my last blog entry, Joel and I, and with my parents' visit our families too, have been in pretty serious conversation about how to incorporate the spiritual aspect into our wedding, and also have the time for more intimate relationship with the people closest to us. The night I wrote the blog, Joel and I came to a late-night conclusion that we should have two wedding ceremonies...one on Friday that was casual, worshipful, and close community...one on Saturday that was bigger, more formal, more traditional.
Our families got together (at least in part--we were missing a few people (we missed you, Haidee!) last Sunday, and we got to discuss the two ceremonies idea with both sets of parents. I think the biggest thing I got out of the conversation was when my mom was questioning me about my desire to have genuine worship at my wedding. It's kind of an abstract desire...I know it. But there was something about the passion I felt in explaining to her what genuine worship is that made it clear to me: we need to have one ceremony. If we do something "real and genuine" in the first and something more for show in the second, it's just being afraid of people. Might as well go ahead and scare people by being spiritual and treating God "like He's real" in our actual ceremony. Anything else feels like hiding, and the Bible isn't too kind towards people who hide light or talents or anything else God has given. Hiding is much more my natural tendency...I have to fight it all the time. And it's a new thing to fight it when I'm making decisions along with Joel. But it was fun to see both of us come to the same realization together after the talk with our parents: we want the worship to shine.
My parents have been visiting this week, and we have gotten some time actually getting through the brainstorming about the wedding, which means potentially I'll be able to decide some details in the near future. Actually, a few of them already have been decided. I have a dress. :D And I am girlishly, irrationally, giddily excited about said dress. After my last blog entry, Joel and I, and with my parents' visit our families too, have been in pretty serious conversation about how to incorporate the spiritual aspect into our wedding, and also have the time for more intimate relationship with the people closest to us. The night I wrote the blog, Joel and I came to a late-night conclusion that we should have two wedding ceremonies...one on Friday that was casual, worshipful, and close community...one on Saturday that was bigger, more formal, more traditional.
Our families got together (at least in part--we were missing a few people (we missed you, Haidee!) last Sunday, and we got to discuss the two ceremonies idea with both sets of parents. I think the biggest thing I got out of the conversation was when my mom was questioning me about my desire to have genuine worship at my wedding. It's kind of an abstract desire...I know it. But there was something about the passion I felt in explaining to her what genuine worship is that made it clear to me: we need to have one ceremony. If we do something "real and genuine" in the first and something more for show in the second, it's just being afraid of people. Might as well go ahead and scare people by being spiritual and treating God "like He's real" in our actual ceremony. Anything else feels like hiding, and the Bible isn't too kind towards people who hide light or talents or anything else God has given. Hiding is much more my natural tendency...I have to fight it all the time. And it's a new thing to fight it when I'm making decisions along with Joel. But it was fun to see both of us come to the same realization together after the talk with our parents: we want the worship to shine.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wedding Planning
Sometime during college, my cousin Rachel was planning her wedding. She and her mom were rifling through magazines thinking about ways to be artistic. I can remember the excited rush to the back closet where her wedding dress was tucked secretly away, ready and preserved for a few months later. Rachel turned to me in the middle of all this and said, "Pamela, if anyone ever says to you: I'll give you $10,000 to elope instead of spending all this money on the wedding, you should take it." My friend Kat, who got married last summer, told me over skype when I told her I was engaged, "If I were doing it again, I would elope. Seriously." It seems that anyone planning a wedding starts thinking about eloping very quickly.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
I can see why. The level of cultural expectation around weddings is paralyzing and insane. Anywhere you look for help in planning them, you can feel the pressure to be perfect, beautiful, and extravagant oozing off the page and into you. What is perhaps most stressful about it is that, while everyone admits the process is ridiculous, everyone has different ideas about what you can actually cut out of it. So, whereas it would be easy to buck the whole system if it were me by myself, a wedding by definition is a community affair. It's a relational thing. And so, while my inner value system is groaning in agony about materialism, fake showiness, and religion that is more about traditions than God, another part of me must say, "These showy aspects of weddings are important to people who are important to me...therefore I have to consider them."
But this feels so much to me like Christmas in America. We've stolen something beautiful and turned it into a duty-laden, stuff-focused, shallow game. So much so that we don't recognize the real thing when we see it. We don't expect Jesus to show up in a manger any more today than we did 2000 years ago.
I don't want to elope. But this is what I do wish I could do: I wish I could go out and find a simple white dress, not even necessarily floor length, and have Joel wear the kind of blue shirt that makes his eyes look vibrant and stunning. :) I would gather my immediate family, Joel's immediate family, and our closest friends and get married in my church in St. Paul. We'd lose track of the time praising our hearts out together, and be more focused on God than on Joel and me...I'd put the two of us in front just long enough to make our promises to God and each other. My brother and my dad would take pictures throughout the day, because they have nice cameras and rock at it. We'd all go out afterwards and eat Indian food (and get to order all the fun things that are normally too expensive to order) and go swing dancing and then come back home and eat pie and talk until midnight and laugh lots and lots. And then Joel and I would run away and find a little cabin or bed and breakfast or somewhere to be hidden away from the world for a week or so before reluctantly rejoining society. ;)
What is ironic is that it feels like that version of reality, which would cost probably a quarter of what a "normal" wedding will cost, would push more people's buttons than spending $8000-10,000 on a glamorous, busy, stressful day. But I write the paragraph above with tears of setsunai ~ longing for something that cannot be, because my reality has nothing to do with that paragraph. My reality right now is about choosing between $1000 and $2300 photography packages; it's about debating the fine line between using pale green, lavender, or light yellow as the backdrop for orange and yellow flowers; it's trying to figure out how to choose bridesmaids without feeling like I'm ranking the people I love most, or leaving someone out; it's about trying to choose an expensive dress that will be worn for all of six hours; it's about gathering addresses for a 150 person guest list.
I feel like a bird used to flying free who is being stuffed in a cage. And, lest you get me wrong, the cage isn't marriage. I can't wait to be married, and have no fears whatsoever about being with Joel for the rest of my life. Some days the nine-month countdown feels as eternal as three life sentences. But I want my wedding, as the rest of my life, to radiate the kind of freedom, life, joy, and love that are what the Kingdom of God is about. And that kind of life has nothing to do with money, the kind of beauty that fades, or even keeping as many people "happy" as possible. It's lived for an audience of One. It's lived in real relationship with God and people. It's a joyful declaration of the greatest news there has ever been. Sigh...I want to stay free.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A big life change
I sat on my futon in Japan sometime the last few months in the country, mind spinning with thoughts about where I would be headed to next. Would God allow me to stay in Tokyo and be involved with the prayer movements that just seemed to be getting going? Was he going to send me to Hong Kong to take another global mission position? Would he send me back to the States forever? I can remember an unsettling feeling as I lifted my fear of this uncertainty up to God...and rather than feeling an empathetic comfort from the Holy Spirit, I felt joy. It was like the Spirit was barely able to hold back the excitement at what was coming, wished to tell me what it was, but couldn't. I was holding on too tightly to where I was at to hear it. But I could sense the emotion, and knew how different it was from how I was feeling. So, I tucked it away as a "Was that God?" type impression.
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Just to warn you, this will probably be a girly entry. Which is to say, it is all about a boy. :)
Several weeks ago, Joel and I went out with his sister, and my good friend, Haidee, for lunch. Haidee's back in Japan now, and it was our day to have some time just the three of us. I think it was maybe the week before that I had told Joel we needed to be careful about talking like we were assuming we were getting married, because I kept leaving those conversations a little freaked out...feeling like I had promised something I wasn't quite ready to promise yet. But, somehow, Haidee guided us past that defense of mine in perhaps three seconds flat, and, soon afterwards, we weren't talking about "if" Joel and I would get married, but processing out many of the details, like exactly when, who would do the ceremony, what I should do about the fact that I hate ranking friends or choosing between people when I have to choose bridesmaids, etc. When Haidee left for the bathroom, Joel asked me rather concerned, "Are you going to be freaking out about this conversation tomorrow?" As it turned out, I wasn't. And that conversation blossomed into quite a few more which also should have created freaking out type emotions, but in fact have felt very natural. Conversations like: "So, when we get married, how do we feel about birth control?" and "What is the proper amount of time to wait before diving into the mission field, or some other kind of intense life situation, after getting married?" Without really meaning to, I think both of us walked into being engaged. Which we tried to keep secret...and Joel did an excellent job of it, whereas I told nearly everyone...I'm no good at keeping secrets like that. :)
Anyway, the engagement became official a week ago now. We had a fun day of getting engaged. Perhaps the most amusing part was that I started the day out positive that I was getting engaged that day, and by the time he actually got down on one knee I had become convinced we were on a "trick date" so that he could throw me off from knowing when he was really going to do it. Joel and I had discussed how I would be on to him immediately if we went on a real date, because both of us are more stay at home people, and don't tend to go out. Apparently even Joel wasn't sure whether this was the real thing or a trick date...he was just walking around with a ring burning a hole in his pocket.
We biked up to Como Park in the afternoon, and got to wander through some of the exhibits we hadn't seen before. One was a jungle exhibit. I always feel like such a little kid in Como Park...at least, I don't know many adults who can bubble over about seeing sting rays, a huge snake skin that had been shed off of an anaconda, or leaf cutter ants shuttling around leaves six times as big as they are. There was also a butterfly pavilion--my favorite. We got to see real blue morpho butterflies, which are amazingly drab and brown on the outside, and then they flip open and are a dazzling iridescent blue. We were the last ones out of the pavilion as it was closing, and one attendant joked to the other, "Should we lock in the two love birds?" But, she checked us for stowaway butterflies and let us on our way. :)
We wandered through the park after that, looking for any place to sit that would be romantic (a.k.a. not inhabited by other people, not overlooking Lexington Ave., and not the residence of 10,000 mosquitoes). When we couldn't find a place like that, we headed back to our bikes, which was pretty much when I gave up on a proposal happening that day, because Joel was completely indifferent about what we should do next. Joel isn't normally so opinionated about things like dinner, but I imagined he would be if he were trying to propose. As it was, he said he didn't care if we went home or if we went out. But he seemed to want to eat out, so we biked another two miles to a little Italian restaurant where my parents had gone occasionally when they were dating. It was lovely...salmon and ravioli and lovely chocolate dessert...and still no proposal. This was becoming quite an elaborate "trick date".
We got on our bikes to head home, and when we got to Como Park again, Joel led us through some back trails. I zoomed ahead of him to try to get up a steep hill, and when he said, "Wait!" shouted back, "No, you have to use momentum to get up the hill." So, we got to the top, and he said, "And now we go back down." I followed, a little perplexed, and soon we were on a side path and he was putting his bike down.
Joel gave a very well thought out speech, starting with our conversation the night before. He had been thinking about the life he'd always thought he'd have, with a business type job, a normal family and kids. I'd asked him if it was sad to realize that marrying me might mean letting the normal life go. He continued on with that for the proposal, letting me know that the relationship he had with me was much more important to him than all those dreams (*blush*). He said quite a bit more than that, but I'm guessing you all don't need the whole thing. :) Now, Joel and I had gone shopping for rings a couple weeks before this, but I was convinced that he hadn't had the time to actually buy one, and didn't think he had the means to until August. So, I am embarrassed to say that the first words out of my mouth after his whole lovely, serious speech just popped out of my mouth when he knelt down and pulled out a jewelry box. "You have a ring?!?!" Though I quickly got myself together enough (after a little bit of babbling) to remember that the correct response he was waiting for was a good clean, "Yes." And then we ran away from the 50,000,000 mosquitoes who didn't seem to respect our 'private moment'. ;)
I suppose the proposal is the part of the story that people like hearing about...and the part I was asked to write down. But really, it feels like a pretty small part of the story. Here's what is huge: I'm getting married to a guy who prays with me and for me on a moment's notice. He has worked harder to understand me than anyone I've ever met; and he understands me better than anyone else because of it. He cooks bread with me and runs downstairs to join me if I try to do his laundry without him. Once I was off unloading the dishwasher alone and he came running into the room and said, "No going off and being a servant without me!" It is so safe to give to him all the time, because he constantly looks out for me and protects me too. Even when my craziness about God pushes him too far, he still prays for God to protect my passion. And he even lets on from time to time that he is excited that we might end up a missionary couple off somewhere--even though he hasn't really imagined serving God that way before, and I know it would be a sacrifice for him.
There was one other random part to the proposal that should go down even though it was mostly a joke. :) Joel has played an online game called Travian for awhile (I really hope I spelled that right...haha). He's really good about asking permission before doing computer things while I'm around, and I always jokingly tell him that, as long as the war he's involved in is a just war, I'm fine with it. But, it's end game in Travian right now, which means everyone is racing to build wonders of the world. One of Joel's Travian friends found out he was going to propose to me, and so he renamed their wonder of the world, "Pamela, marry Joel?" Joel knows I don't care much for Travian, but I have to admit I was a little touched to have a wonder of the world named after me. ;)
So, I should be getting married in April next year, about when the lease on our community house runs out. I'm hoping to have a nice God-centered wedding ceremony, and excited to plan it. (aside from all those detail things like flowers and photographers...oi...) However, if I start talking about everything I'm excited about right now, this will become a 20 page entry instead of 10. But now you're all in the know. :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Strong Men
These past two weeks have been spent with a drastic increase in working hours for me. I was coaching gymnastics about 14 hours a week, but these past two weeks have been our annual summer gymnastics camp. I've actually gotten used to the alarm going off at seven, though I have been reaffirmed in the fact that having a full time job always feels like not having time to live. I need time for my close relationships so that I have time to pray without feeling pressured about the people I'm 'ignoring' by spending time with God. But this is not a reflection on full time work and how to balance life...I was struck by one of the gymnastics coaches this week, and the effect that he had on the gymnasts.
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
My group at camp is "Group One". They are the rec gymnasts--the ones mastering basic skills. They're my favorite, but not so well liked by many of the other coaches. However, one of the big, buff, super spotter guys has taken quite a liking to my group. You can always hear his voice booming across the gym. He is always 100% engaged while coaching them. He cheers them on. He jokes with them. He is the one shoving them out of their comfort zones.
I was most surprised the other day when he took a moment to correct some bad behaviors that had been going on. One girl had a perfect back handspring (jumping backwards to your hands and then going over) with a spot. I was spotting her, doing nothing, and trying to gently nudge her forward to doing it by herself. He saw what was going on, and came over and boomed, "You're a scardy cat! You're always baulking on things. You're too good to be baulking. You would have all these moves already if you weren't so scared all the time." My insides were squirming at the intensity. Then, she moved over to his station and he boomed at her again, this time adding, "If you baulk one more time on floor, every person in the gym is going to get 50 push-ups." This was loud enough for most of the 30 some girls in the gym to pay attention. But I was shocked...there were no tears, no drama, no nothing. The girl went on practicing without hesitating even one more time, completely confidently.
Another girl has been sitting on the sidelines with various minor injuries for the vast majority of the two weeks she's been here. This same coach came up to her and said, "What are you doing lying around?? You're the laziest kid in the gym." She protested that she wasn't, and that she was hurt. He just repeated, "You're the laziest kid here." This girl, also, was up and joining the group with no tears or visible hard feelings within thirty seconds.
Why is there no drama? Because the girls trust that this coach genuinely likes them for one. But I think there's something bigger...I think when a guy steps up and takes a stand like that, assuming that it's out of love and focus on the other person and not our of a temper...some of that strength actually gets passed on to the people he's working with. We need the people in our life who can take all the strength they have to tell us, "You're too good to be failing this way!" And, for whatever reason, when a guy is willing to do this, it brings a special kind of freedom. I wish we saw more male strength in our churches!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Influencing Younglings
Today I sat down to lunch with two of the other coaches, one of whom has a young daughter. She said to me, "Brooke said something funny yesterday...we were playing tennis and she came up to me and said, 'Mommy, I want you to sell our cars.'" The mom was confused about where this had come from until Brooke said, "Pamela walks and rides her bike to work. It's good for the earth. We should sell our cars."
Hee...I remember the girls reacting when they found out I didn't have a car yesterday, but I didn't figure this would translate so much into action. Yay for little kids and their hearts that are so ready to give up everything for what seems good!
Hee...I remember the girls reacting when they found out I didn't have a car yesterday, but I didn't figure this would translate so much into action. Yay for little kids and their hearts that are so ready to give up everything for what seems good!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Best. Birthday Present. Ever.
I got an email yesterday for my birthday! It was from Ayumi, one of my dear Japanese friends. Ayumi and I bonded over computer slideshows of our trips to Africa. She's the one who told me how to get to India to volunteer at Mother Theresa's houses. Like a lot of other Tokyoites, She is always in motion, and following her when we would ride bicycles taught me more about how to weave through people and maintain speed on Japanese streets than anything else. She self-described herself as 50-60% Christian the first year I was in Japan, and we used to sit in cafes and talk about God and deep things until midnight...and then some of her other Christian friends did some hurtful things like tell her that they couldn't really be friends with her if she didn't become a Christian. I lent her a book about Christianity and she vanished for a year, returning to let me know she was worried I didn't want to be her friend either since she couldn't become a Christian or believe in God. Though I reassured her that what she believed wouldn't affect our my friendship towards her, we haven't talked much since that first year at Hongo...she showed up from time to time to ask for help on English corrections for resumes or papers, but she seemed to have that wall of politeness up that tells me all is not quite well in a relationship. I was starting to fear I wouldn't hear from her again.
I woke up yesterday to the first email from Ayumi in eons. It was wishing me a happy birthday, and then also that she had some news to tell me. She got baptized on April 25th!!! I've been walking around at gymnastics these past two days with a secret smile. It's one of those joys that there is literally no way to express in words. There is no way to write down how much it means to see someone I've spent hours speaking with...prayed for with tears...longed for so badly it ached... I long stopped hoping that I would actually *see* Ayumi start following Jesus. She's the first person I've ever seen cross that line.
I woke up yesterday to the first email from Ayumi in eons. It was wishing me a happy birthday, and then also that she had some news to tell me. She got baptized on April 25th!!! I've been walking around at gymnastics these past two days with a secret smile. It's one of those joys that there is literally no way to express in words. There is no way to write down how much it means to see someone I've spent hours speaking with...prayed for with tears...longed for so badly it ached... I long stopped hoping that I would actually *see* Ayumi start following Jesus. She's the first person I've ever seen cross that line.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Return to the virtual world
My memorial day was spent running two errands I've been wanting to run for a long time. One was to take my poor, crippled computer into the Apple Store to figure out why it was dead and how much it would cost to make it undead. The other was to visit a bicycle store and continue my search to find a bike I will love enough to ride on a regular basis. This has been a crazy season of trusting God for money. I made the decision a couple months ago that, no matter how much I was living paycheck to paycheck, I was going to tithe anyway. I've lectured people before about how tithing isn't a legalistic thing, but a declaration of trust. It's one thing to be able to tell that sermon. It's a completely different thing to look at a $500 paycheck, $375 of which will be used for rent...to say nothing of other bills...and decide to place a tenth of it back in God's hands. Questions come up like, "If God is merciful, why would he expect this of me? He does want me to be able to eat, right?"
Then things happen like broken computers, moves away from the person who was providing a mattress for me...
It's been a strange season of life financially. I walk into stores knowing what I have to buy, and those things are on sale. Much less supernaturally feeling, but no less God's blessing, friends and family members have been so generous with me. My parents visited and bought Becc and I a cartload of groceries--which was the reason we had food that month when we had to pay all kinds of up-front rent. My parents were also the reason I was able to buy a bicycle yesterday. Friends have fed me dinner so that we could afford to spend time eating together. Theresa (my old housemate) gave me and Becc so much I will be in her debt forever. Maybe the cool thing about this season is gaining the ability to be thankful and to receive with open hands. I think being able to receive freely and with joy is one of the heart abilities that makes it possible to give cheerfully in return. It's realizing that everything on earth is God's, and that He has been generous with me to such an extent that there isn't fear in poverty. And there is a kind of crazy, cheerful generosity that is possible when there is little. I now feel this little surge of victory every time I'm able to give away my tithe. That knowledge that, if God didn't exist and care for me, it would be insanity to put money in the offering plate.
When I was getting ready to go home to the States, one of the things that made me (in a very Pamela way) excited was the thought that I would have the ability to trust God in the midst of an economic crisis. But my imagination of this was still very American...I imagined that I would have plenty, and that I would be able to give, and open my home, etc. I did not imagine that my vision for a house would become a safe place for my sister as she needed a new start. Or a safe place for my boyfriend as he is in the ranks of unemployed people, and probably in a stage in life where God is teaching him how to receive and trust too. Funny how we always imagined that the poor will be strangers. I certainly never imagined that I would hardly be making enough money to know exactly how things would be taken care of. There was a point when I was making a list in my head of ways poverty was far less romantic than I had somehow previously pictured. I think much of this list was composed in January. Because poverty means you can't skip work if you're sick but well enough to make it there, even if it is 0 degrees outside and you have to walk for half an hour.
On the other hand, living with little gives opportunities for God to show off in his generosity. And yesterday was one of those days. I brought my computer into the Apple Store because I knew that they would tell me what was wrong with it for free. I assumed this would mean I would have to hide away any extra money I could earn for potentially months and then hopefully get it fixed. Because something else I've learned these past few months is that I'd rather have a working computer than a mattress. I need to be connected with my "community across an ocean". I also need to be able to rest by researching silly things (I had no idea how often I do this until my computer was gone...). So, I scheduled an appointment, gave it to them, explained all my problem solving attempts.
The apple store "genius" told me that apple will fix anything hardware for $280 if we shipped it in. This is a flat rate...so, even if the display, the board, and the hard drive were fried, they would replace all three for $280. This was already sounding much better than I'd feared. Then he said they could possibly fix it in house, and booted it from an external hard drive. The diagnostic showed that it was indeed my hard drive that was fried. He asked a few more questions, and then told me, "Actually, we're authorized to replace a hard drive on this model for free, and it will have more space than the one you have now." I have no idea how this all worked out...I didn't ask questions aside from, "Are you for real?!?!" I have no warranty on my computer. They just...gave me a hard drive. I have a working computer.
I don't believe in a prosperity gospel. I'm bothered greatly by the idea that believing in Jesus means we're entitled to anything material. But sometimes love is spoken in material ways, and God speaks that language too. He is not a Santa Claus, granting our every wish and meeting our American materialistic desires. But he does provide, and he can be trusted, and we can give victoriously and generously because of it.
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. :-)
Then things happen like broken computers, moves away from the person who was providing a mattress for me...
It's been a strange season of life financially. I walk into stores knowing what I have to buy, and those things are on sale. Much less supernaturally feeling, but no less God's blessing, friends and family members have been so generous with me. My parents visited and bought Becc and I a cartload of groceries--which was the reason we had food that month when we had to pay all kinds of up-front rent. My parents were also the reason I was able to buy a bicycle yesterday. Friends have fed me dinner so that we could afford to spend time eating together. Theresa (my old housemate) gave me and Becc so much I will be in her debt forever. Maybe the cool thing about this season is gaining the ability to be thankful and to receive with open hands. I think being able to receive freely and with joy is one of the heart abilities that makes it possible to give cheerfully in return. It's realizing that everything on earth is God's, and that He has been generous with me to such an extent that there isn't fear in poverty. And there is a kind of crazy, cheerful generosity that is possible when there is little. I now feel this little surge of victory every time I'm able to give away my tithe. That knowledge that, if God didn't exist and care for me, it would be insanity to put money in the offering plate.
When I was getting ready to go home to the States, one of the things that made me (in a very Pamela way) excited was the thought that I would have the ability to trust God in the midst of an economic crisis. But my imagination of this was still very American...I imagined that I would have plenty, and that I would be able to give, and open my home, etc. I did not imagine that my vision for a house would become a safe place for my sister as she needed a new start. Or a safe place for my boyfriend as he is in the ranks of unemployed people, and probably in a stage in life where God is teaching him how to receive and trust too. Funny how we always imagined that the poor will be strangers. I certainly never imagined that I would hardly be making enough money to know exactly how things would be taken care of. There was a point when I was making a list in my head of ways poverty was far less romantic than I had somehow previously pictured. I think much of this list was composed in January. Because poverty means you can't skip work if you're sick but well enough to make it there, even if it is 0 degrees outside and you have to walk for half an hour.
On the other hand, living with little gives opportunities for God to show off in his generosity. And yesterday was one of those days. I brought my computer into the Apple Store because I knew that they would tell me what was wrong with it for free. I assumed this would mean I would have to hide away any extra money I could earn for potentially months and then hopefully get it fixed. Because something else I've learned these past few months is that I'd rather have a working computer than a mattress. I need to be connected with my "community across an ocean". I also need to be able to rest by researching silly things (I had no idea how often I do this until my computer was gone...). So, I scheduled an appointment, gave it to them, explained all my problem solving attempts.
The apple store "genius" told me that apple will fix anything hardware for $280 if we shipped it in. This is a flat rate...so, even if the display, the board, and the hard drive were fried, they would replace all three for $280. This was already sounding much better than I'd feared. Then he said they could possibly fix it in house, and booted it from an external hard drive. The diagnostic showed that it was indeed my hard drive that was fried. He asked a few more questions, and then told me, "Actually, we're authorized to replace a hard drive on this model for free, and it will have more space than the one you have now." I have no idea how this all worked out...I didn't ask questions aside from, "Are you for real?!?!" I have no warranty on my computer. They just...gave me a hard drive. I have a working computer.
I don't believe in a prosperity gospel. I'm bothered greatly by the idea that believing in Jesus means we're entitled to anything material. But sometimes love is spoken in material ways, and God speaks that language too. He is not a Santa Claus, granting our every wish and meeting our American materialistic desires. But he does provide, and he can be trusted, and we can give victoriously and generously because of it.
The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need. :-)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
House Updates
My computer is not well at the moment, and I'm using the last four minutes of my time at the local library to jot down some updates here. Make that three minutes. :)
I've been spending more time with Rachel and Lexi, two of the girls who, God willing, will be living with me starting in May. So far we are sharing the struggle of finding a place to live. We had just found a place that seemed wonderful...only to have another group get in the day after us and turn in their applications immediately. We'll hear this weekend whether that house is still open to us or not. So...a time of waiting and seeking yet again. It's nice to have people along with me for it now.
Anyway...less than a minute before this computer logs me out, but that's what I'm up to at the moment. Hopefully God shows us our new home soon!
I've been spending more time with Rachel and Lexi, two of the girls who, God willing, will be living with me starting in May. So far we are sharing the struggle of finding a place to live. We had just found a place that seemed wonderful...only to have another group get in the day after us and turn in their applications immediately. We'll hear this weekend whether that house is still open to us or not. So...a time of waiting and seeking yet again. It's nice to have people along with me for it now.
Anyway...less than a minute before this computer logs me out, but that's what I'm up to at the moment. Hopefully God shows us our new home soon!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Earthquakes from across the ocean
In church on Sunday during the prayers, the pastor in the church I was at lifted up countries that were recovering from earthquakes. He mentioned Haiti, Chili, Indonesia, and Japan. That caught my interest...he had included Japan in the group he was asking God to send workers and financial support to as they recovered. After the service, another man approached me and mentioned that a 6.6 magnitude earthquake had hit Tokyo. At this point, I'm actually getting a little nervous...could "the" earthquake have hit Tokyo at a point in my life when I am *not* a missionary there?!?! (Yes...I would actually be crushed to be on the other side of the ocean if a major earthquake hit Tokyo...I'm just crazy that way...)
I pulled Joel aside to let him know that I needed a computer. And once I found one, I was reminded why reports of earthquakes in Japan from Americans just shouldn't be taken seriously. The report I found was interviewing an office worker who said, "The office was shaken up, but nothing fell off the shelves." ...yep. Tokyo is not quite in need of prayers for relief.
Thinking about how I would feel if an earthquake hit Tokyo and I wasn't there still made my thoughts spin all day, though.
The weekend with Joel and his family was wonderful. And today was a very good first talk with my potential housemate Jennifer. And in the midst of God calling on this side of the ocean for the time being, and so many people and visions and churches to love over here, I still feel the ache for Japan. That's a good thing, I suppose.
I pulled Joel aside to let him know that I needed a computer. And once I found one, I was reminded why reports of earthquakes in Japan from Americans just shouldn't be taken seriously. The report I found was interviewing an office worker who said, "The office was shaken up, but nothing fell off the shelves." ...yep. Tokyo is not quite in need of prayers for relief.
Thinking about how I would feel if an earthquake hit Tokyo and I wasn't there still made my thoughts spin all day, though.
The weekend with Joel and his family was wonderful. And today was a very good first talk with my potential housemate Jennifer. And in the midst of God calling on this side of the ocean for the time being, and so many people and visions and churches to love over here, I still feel the ache for Japan. That's a good thing, I suppose.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Houses and Trust
I've spent the past month or so of blog silence dating a guy named Joel and trying to set up the ministry house I mentioned in an earlier blog entry. That being said, there haven't been too many dull moments, and it seems that life is particularly "exciting" right about now. And I mean exciting in every sense of the word...from thrilling to terrifying.
This morning, I am sitting trying to respond to an email from one potential housemate. I need to email the other potential housemate too. I need to talk to another friend who needs to know what's going on with moving last week if not earlier. A communication with my landlord also may become necessary. Yesterday I spent probably two hours with God at church, trying to get my heart to claw its way back to trust. Not that figurative, abstract kind of trust...but the kind of trust that is real and necessary for me to move forward with this vision...or backward with it, for that matter. This morning, I find my heart right back in an un-trusting place. I actually found myself whining in my head as I tried to figure out who to communicate with first, "I have nothing solid to stand on as I make these decisions! No concrete, solid information!" The realization of the wrongness of what I had just thought was instantaneous...but I had still thought it. I can only imagine God saying: "Ouch." As though the solid place I have to stand is my own knowledge of what will come to pass...sigh.
From a worldly perspective, I suppose there is good reason to be afraid. On March 1st, I only knew that my sister, the good friend of a friend who was in need of somewhere to move, and me would be living together. So, I had to call my landlord and say: "I can't promise you I can stay in the house, go ahead and show it." I was ready to lay this vision down on the alter of sacrifice again.
Then, within the next week, I get word from two potential people who are both very excited about the possibility of living in an intentional, Christian community. The first one lifted my heart so much, even as I could only imagine Jesus saying, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" about not telling the landlord I would stay despite lack of physical evidence it would be okay. By the second, I had done a little more research into finding a new house for us. Needless to say, there are no prospects yet that do not leave this little, potential community homeless in May. I checked out every idea I had last week...and couldn't even find any possibilities with a hint of an open door.
Trust. I don't know if I would be so convicted of my lack of trust these past two weeks if it weren't for my relationship with Joel and what it teaches me about God. My entire relationship with Joel has been founded on mutual trust. That started with one conversation until 2am back at Thanksgiving with his family (before we were dating). Joel looks back on that conversation and says that he just knew I was a person who could be trusted. I don't know if I ever trust quite that instinctively, for whatever reason. But it has felt like God is saying: "Trust him." And so, whenever I find myself constructing familiar walls: walls of not wanting to tell him what I need, walls of not wanting to tell him if I'm scared or am weak, walls of trying to hide the intensity with which I relate to God and experience things spiritually...the reminder comes up that I have chosen to trust Joel. And I am constantly delighted to see what happens when I do.
The unexpected thing is that, the decision I make multiple times a week to trust him, actually is trust itself. Trust is not an expectation that Joel will help me or support me in a given way. Choosing to trust IS trust. It is placing my real self in his hands. For the first time in my life, the statement: "Love always trusts" finally makes sense to me.
So, having watched myself trusting Joel, and watched Joel's responses to my trust...it is easy to see how my attitude towards God with this whole crazy house search is, in fact, wildly insulting to Him. I may not be able to tell these potential housemates that I'm just meeting that I have it all worked out. But I can invite them along, give them the freedom to come follow Jesus with me or be free to follow him elsewhere, and then see how He provides for us. Will He give me this vision I've been hoping for? I don't know. Will he allow us to go forward in this in a way that feels safe? I doubt it. Will it look anything like what I am imagining? Probably not. I hope it is 10,000,000 times better, because His ideas always are. I am in a relationship with the very real God who created me, holds up the whole world, and for whom all things are possible. Not only that, I've *witnessed* Him providing in unexpected, timely ways that show He is taking care of me and my ministry. I have no reason to doubt His faithfulness.
Please pray. I depend on Him completely to even have a roof over my head in May. And it is taking everything I have to go forward in Him verses in my own strength and plan.
This morning, I am sitting trying to respond to an email from one potential housemate. I need to email the other potential housemate too. I need to talk to another friend who needs to know what's going on with moving last week if not earlier. A communication with my landlord also may become necessary. Yesterday I spent probably two hours with God at church, trying to get my heart to claw its way back to trust. Not that figurative, abstract kind of trust...but the kind of trust that is real and necessary for me to move forward with this vision...or backward with it, for that matter. This morning, I find my heart right back in an un-trusting place. I actually found myself whining in my head as I tried to figure out who to communicate with first, "I have nothing solid to stand on as I make these decisions! No concrete, solid information!" The realization of the wrongness of what I had just thought was instantaneous...but I had still thought it. I can only imagine God saying: "Ouch." As though the solid place I have to stand is my own knowledge of what will come to pass...sigh.
From a worldly perspective, I suppose there is good reason to be afraid. On March 1st, I only knew that my sister, the good friend of a friend who was in need of somewhere to move, and me would be living together. So, I had to call my landlord and say: "I can't promise you I can stay in the house, go ahead and show it." I was ready to lay this vision down on the alter of sacrifice again.
Then, within the next week, I get word from two potential people who are both very excited about the possibility of living in an intentional, Christian community. The first one lifted my heart so much, even as I could only imagine Jesus saying, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" about not telling the landlord I would stay despite lack of physical evidence it would be okay. By the second, I had done a little more research into finding a new house for us. Needless to say, there are no prospects yet that do not leave this little, potential community homeless in May. I checked out every idea I had last week...and couldn't even find any possibilities with a hint of an open door.
Trust. I don't know if I would be so convicted of my lack of trust these past two weeks if it weren't for my relationship with Joel and what it teaches me about God. My entire relationship with Joel has been founded on mutual trust. That started with one conversation until 2am back at Thanksgiving with his family (before we were dating). Joel looks back on that conversation and says that he just knew I was a person who could be trusted. I don't know if I ever trust quite that instinctively, for whatever reason. But it has felt like God is saying: "Trust him." And so, whenever I find myself constructing familiar walls: walls of not wanting to tell him what I need, walls of not wanting to tell him if I'm scared or am weak, walls of trying to hide the intensity with which I relate to God and experience things spiritually...the reminder comes up that I have chosen to trust Joel. And I am constantly delighted to see what happens when I do.
The unexpected thing is that, the decision I make multiple times a week to trust him, actually is trust itself. Trust is not an expectation that Joel will help me or support me in a given way. Choosing to trust IS trust. It is placing my real self in his hands. For the first time in my life, the statement: "Love always trusts" finally makes sense to me.
So, having watched myself trusting Joel, and watched Joel's responses to my trust...it is easy to see how my attitude towards God with this whole crazy house search is, in fact, wildly insulting to Him. I may not be able to tell these potential housemates that I'm just meeting that I have it all worked out. But I can invite them along, give them the freedom to come follow Jesus with me or be free to follow him elsewhere, and then see how He provides for us. Will He give me this vision I've been hoping for? I don't know. Will he allow us to go forward in this in a way that feels safe? I doubt it. Will it look anything like what I am imagining? Probably not. I hope it is 10,000,000 times better, because His ideas always are. I am in a relationship with the very real God who created me, holds up the whole world, and for whom all things are possible. Not only that, I've *witnessed* Him providing in unexpected, timely ways that show He is taking care of me and my ministry. I have no reason to doubt His faithfulness.
Please pray. I depend on Him completely to even have a roof over my head in May. And it is taking everything I have to go forward in Him verses in my own strength and plan.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Two photos from the weekend
These are my level 5 gymnasts, looking very proud because they won 3rd place as a team at the meet we attended on Saturday.
This weekend I baked bread for the first time, and it turned out amazing! I'm very impressed with this new cookbook that I got for Christmas called More With Less. So...this is high protein bread, made with a portion of soy flour. The lesson learned was to not start baking bread at 8:00pm. But, fortunately, refrigerating the dough once it had nearly risen all the way and then baking it the next morning went well. ;-)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Excitement and a Vision
I've never been one to enjoy change if it means that the people I love will no longer live in the same city as I do. Any other kind of change, I welcome, encourage, and even strive for...but I tend to want to hold very tightly to the people who make a place into a home. So, this past week, even as I told Theresa,"Oh, there have been so many changes recently, it doesn't register so much to have another one coming up...I'm happy that you feel you'll be moving towards your calling," even as I can look at Angela and say, "It's so great that you have a job now!" I have found myself on the inside just groaning and wanting to avoid most people altogether.
It's nothing that the people have done...it's just that, if all goes as planned, nearly everyone I know in the Cities will be gone in April or May...and I need time to rest in God's arms and to allow Him to remind me that I have a home and a stable place no matter how many people dear to me are called to follow Him in a different location. I need time with Him for Him to remind me that He is good, that He knows what is going on, that He can be trusted. I want so badly to be a person who can serve Him with or without a vision; with or without solid relationships in my life; with or without being "in the mission field". And when I am aware that He is my home, all of that becomes so much more possible.
I've been doing a lot of imagining futures recently. And this week I have had one, more simple question for God, which is: "Do you want me to build any kind of foundation in the Twin Cities, or not?"
Before last night, I had been laughing at the idea of staying in my house beyond April. Rent is $1500 plus utilities...I would have to find new housemates and everyone I know is planning to move...I am sleeping on a borrowed bed that will disappear in April...I don't have any furniture at all...
But in the back of my mind this week, I have been quietly thinking, "I have a house. That's all I've wanted for a few years now...a house to have intentional Christian community in and to do ministry out of...all I need are the people." And my thoughts have kept playing the song that was in my thoughts when I first moved into this place, "This is home, yeah I'm finally back where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found it." This song always springs to mind at exactly the moments when this house should feel *least* like home...when it's obvious that the current situation is very temporary.
Last night, it suddenly occurred to me that, if I am free to find my own housemates in April, and if I must start completely from scratch, I can look for whoever I want. I can specifically seek out Christians who are interested in living in an intentional, missional community. I can find people who want to pray together, seek God together, and use the house they live in for Christian outreach. We do so much! We could prayer walk the streets, get to know our neighbors and do random acts of service for them, we could invite homeless people over for dinner, we could invite neighboring college students in for prayer retreats and be a safe place of rest for them, we could take in teens who are pregnant and have been kicked out of the home because of it and just love them...okay, so those are the sorts of things *I'd* like to do...but first and foremost we could pray together, get to know each other, and take off on whatever visions we share. The goal would be to be generous and gutsy with everything God gives us.
And what better way to start connecting to the Christian community in America than by actually being myself? Rather than trying to pretend to be an ordinary Sunday Christian, slowly working my way into the community, I can just enter churches in my usual, "Come along on this crazy vision!" style. Some of my best relationships in Tokyo were made when I was running around asking anyone and everyone to pray 24/7 with me.
This doesn't mean that I'm planning to stay in America long term...and, in fact, this vision is only about 13 hours old, which means it still might fade or change. But, as I pray this week about whether to start building connections here, I still haven't gotten the sense of any open doors for ministry elsewhere. So, if I've still got some time in the Cities, I'd rather use it doing crazy things for God. I suppose the next couple weeks will tell if this is yet another wacky stage of transition or a vision God has placed on my heart.
It's nothing that the people have done...it's just that, if all goes as planned, nearly everyone I know in the Cities will be gone in April or May...and I need time to rest in God's arms and to allow Him to remind me that I have a home and a stable place no matter how many people dear to me are called to follow Him in a different location. I need time with Him for Him to remind me that He is good, that He knows what is going on, that He can be trusted. I want so badly to be a person who can serve Him with or without a vision; with or without solid relationships in my life; with or without being "in the mission field". And when I am aware that He is my home, all of that becomes so much more possible.
I've been doing a lot of imagining futures recently. And this week I have had one, more simple question for God, which is: "Do you want me to build any kind of foundation in the Twin Cities, or not?"
Before last night, I had been laughing at the idea of staying in my house beyond April. Rent is $1500 plus utilities...I would have to find new housemates and everyone I know is planning to move...I am sleeping on a borrowed bed that will disappear in April...I don't have any furniture at all...
But in the back of my mind this week, I have been quietly thinking, "I have a house. That's all I've wanted for a few years now...a house to have intentional Christian community in and to do ministry out of...all I need are the people." And my thoughts have kept playing the song that was in my thoughts when I first moved into this place, "This is home, yeah I'm finally back where I belong, where I belong. Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own, now I've found it." This song always springs to mind at exactly the moments when this house should feel *least* like home...when it's obvious that the current situation is very temporary.
Last night, it suddenly occurred to me that, if I am free to find my own housemates in April, and if I must start completely from scratch, I can look for whoever I want. I can specifically seek out Christians who are interested in living in an intentional, missional community. I can find people who want to pray together, seek God together, and use the house they live in for Christian outreach. We do so much! We could prayer walk the streets, get to know our neighbors and do random acts of service for them, we could invite homeless people over for dinner, we could invite neighboring college students in for prayer retreats and be a safe place of rest for them, we could take in teens who are pregnant and have been kicked out of the home because of it and just love them...okay, so those are the sorts of things *I'd* like to do...but first and foremost we could pray together, get to know each other, and take off on whatever visions we share. The goal would be to be generous and gutsy with everything God gives us.
And what better way to start connecting to the Christian community in America than by actually being myself? Rather than trying to pretend to be an ordinary Sunday Christian, slowly working my way into the community, I can just enter churches in my usual, "Come along on this crazy vision!" style. Some of my best relationships in Tokyo were made when I was running around asking anyone and everyone to pray 24/7 with me.
This doesn't mean that I'm planning to stay in America long term...and, in fact, this vision is only about 13 hours old, which means it still might fade or change. But, as I pray this week about whether to start building connections here, I still haven't gotten the sense of any open doors for ministry elsewhere. So, if I've still got some time in the Cities, I'd rather use it doing crazy things for God. I suppose the next couple weeks will tell if this is yet another wacky stage of transition or a vision God has placed on my heart.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A long overdue update
I think I have written 8 blog drafts since my last entry, so I felt like I was communicating a little better than I was...*sheepish grin* This is actually pretty typical of my communication struggles in general...I've thought so much at people in my head, that it never occurs to me that they can't know it because it hasn't "been published".
So, here's what's up: Bud is fine, but probably not in charge of writing a book anymore. While we were working on the book, he often talked about things that had been sacrificed with his own family for this job...and it is with some joy that I watch him loosen up on what he felt a duty to do and focus on his family more. So, this leaves me with a gymnastics coaching job and many, many questions about what else I should be doing, either in the present or in the future. I moved into a new house in St. Paul at the beginning of December. I now live with two wonderful ladies, Angela and Theresa. Theresa is about my mom's age, a nurse practitioner in geriatrics, with her heart truly in organic farming. Angela is at a similar level of unemployment to me, and is a music teacher who is currently doing odd jobs and teaching music lessons in at least three locations around Minnesota.
Both of my housemates are of Bohemian ancestry, which is amusing because I'm about three quarters Bohemian--my mom's side of the family is 100%. When they found out I was Bohemian too, it was during our first meeting, and Angela asked, "Are you stubborn?" I smiled as innocently as possible.
I learned shortly after moving in that both ladies were Catholic, and both had wanted to become Sisters at one point in life. I think I walked around grinning a very silly grin at how awesome God is the day I found that out.
In general, I've been impressed by how safe I've felt in the new house. They managed to get me to play piano for them my first night there...and even somewhat unapologetically. By maybe the second week we had decided to do the evening prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours together whenever we could. Our schedules don't match up so well, but the times we have prayed together have been a blessing.
In the middle of all of this, I applied for an English teaching job in Japan, and then I didn't finish the application process. I'm finding myself extremely reluctant to teach English as a career, even for the sake of returning to Japan as a tent-making type missionary. I am longing for a job as a church-worker missionary. The struggle is that I can't do that through the ELCA. I've found a couple mission agencies that I love. They all involve fundraising. When I talked to one of them on the phone, they let me know that I could apply, but that I probably wasn't connected enough in the States for a fundraising mission job. They suggested I take a year or two and keep building a foundation of relationships, and maybe get a master's degree from a seminary or something in the meantime.
I find this insanely frustrating. And I've been surprised these past few weeks at how strong the longing to return to Japan and the mission field has been.
It seems almost amusing that anyone would think I am at a place of building stable foundations for anything. What I'm about to say might sound like whining, but it's really not. I more look at these events and can't help but chuckle at how ridiculous the current lack of stability is. I have a job...and then Bud has a stroke and that is gone. The state of Minnesota was supposed to send me a driver's license and never did (at least, they said it would be within 6 weeks...and it's been 10). My cell phone vanished in between my apartment and Haidee's house over Thanksgiving break when I wasn't using it. Because I have no Minnesota driver's license and they voided my Wyoming license, I wanted to bring my passport to the airport this Christmas. I searched for it for two hours, taking apart literally everything that I own, the night before I left...all that remains of my passport is the sneaking remnant of a memory of seeing it in my orange binder (I carried it around to make a copy of it when I was applying for the job in Japan). It is not in my orange binder, where it belongs, or in any of my belongings that I could find. Thankfully, they let me through airport security with a voided license.
Both of my housemates are also in a state of transition. Angela is applying for a job today, and if she gets it, she'll move out--but probably still see us some weekends. And as for Theresa, I don't really understand how she ever ended up living in the city in the first place. Her heart is quite obviously in the country. :-) She told me when I came back last night that her move out date might be earlier than summer, like she had been predicting. She might end up leaving the house in April. This doesn't particularly surprise me--and I'm happy for Theresa. She belongs on a farm growing her own vegetables and worshiping God through passionately caring for the earth that He's made. And despite the fact that my home is temporary, I still feel this complete certainty that I am where I belong living in this house.
So...I may have to laugh at anyone who implies that I should be building stability in the States right now. But this has been a season of seeing God's love in very tangible ways. Tokyo was not a place of relational wealth. I had dear, precious close friends there...all of whom lived across a huge city. It was a place where I lived alone and had to reach out very intentionally for every contact. Living with people who love me and whom I can love is healing in a way I can't express. Living in a place where I am enjoyed, but not needed and not a burden is freeing me to love and serve in ways I normally can't...I race outside on snowy days to try to be the one who shovels our driveway, and I can spend an hour outside with the snow grinning from ear to ear at the thought of Theresa and Angela coming home to find they don't have to shovel. I've yet to actually achieve that goal...the job is big enough that they usually come home and immediately come out and help me. But being able to shovel without feeling a trace of duty or guilty obligation is so wonderful.
So, that's the long story of what's been going on with me in my Minnesota life. I appreciate your prayers so much...my longing to get back to the mission field right now is really great. But whatever my emotions are up to, I want to follow God. Sorting out my own desires and what God is saying is trickier than normal right now, but I know from experience that His voice will come just in time...and probably not a moment sooner. I think the parable of the virgins waiting for the bridegroom and keeping their lamps lit is much what listening for God entails...I want to be there with my ears open, my lamp lit, when he comes and says it's time to move forward.
So, here's what's up: Bud is fine, but probably not in charge of writing a book anymore. While we were working on the book, he often talked about things that had been sacrificed with his own family for this job...and it is with some joy that I watch him loosen up on what he felt a duty to do and focus on his family more. So, this leaves me with a gymnastics coaching job and many, many questions about what else I should be doing, either in the present or in the future. I moved into a new house in St. Paul at the beginning of December. I now live with two wonderful ladies, Angela and Theresa. Theresa is about my mom's age, a nurse practitioner in geriatrics, with her heart truly in organic farming. Angela is at a similar level of unemployment to me, and is a music teacher who is currently doing odd jobs and teaching music lessons in at least three locations around Minnesota.
Both of my housemates are of Bohemian ancestry, which is amusing because I'm about three quarters Bohemian--my mom's side of the family is 100%. When they found out I was Bohemian too, it was during our first meeting, and Angela asked, "Are you stubborn?" I smiled as innocently as possible.
I learned shortly after moving in that both ladies were Catholic, and both had wanted to become Sisters at one point in life. I think I walked around grinning a very silly grin at how awesome God is the day I found that out.
In general, I've been impressed by how safe I've felt in the new house. They managed to get me to play piano for them my first night there...and even somewhat unapologetically. By maybe the second week we had decided to do the evening prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours together whenever we could. Our schedules don't match up so well, but the times we have prayed together have been a blessing.
In the middle of all of this, I applied for an English teaching job in Japan, and then I didn't finish the application process. I'm finding myself extremely reluctant to teach English as a career, even for the sake of returning to Japan as a tent-making type missionary. I am longing for a job as a church-worker missionary. The struggle is that I can't do that through the ELCA. I've found a couple mission agencies that I love. They all involve fundraising. When I talked to one of them on the phone, they let me know that I could apply, but that I probably wasn't connected enough in the States for a fundraising mission job. They suggested I take a year or two and keep building a foundation of relationships, and maybe get a master's degree from a seminary or something in the meantime.
I find this insanely frustrating. And I've been surprised these past few weeks at how strong the longing to return to Japan and the mission field has been.
It seems almost amusing that anyone would think I am at a place of building stable foundations for anything. What I'm about to say might sound like whining, but it's really not. I more look at these events and can't help but chuckle at how ridiculous the current lack of stability is. I have a job...and then Bud has a stroke and that is gone. The state of Minnesota was supposed to send me a driver's license and never did (at least, they said it would be within 6 weeks...and it's been 10). My cell phone vanished in between my apartment and Haidee's house over Thanksgiving break when I wasn't using it. Because I have no Minnesota driver's license and they voided my Wyoming license, I wanted to bring my passport to the airport this Christmas. I searched for it for two hours, taking apart literally everything that I own, the night before I left...all that remains of my passport is the sneaking remnant of a memory of seeing it in my orange binder (I carried it around to make a copy of it when I was applying for the job in Japan). It is not in my orange binder, where it belongs, or in any of my belongings that I could find. Thankfully, they let me through airport security with a voided license.
Both of my housemates are also in a state of transition. Angela is applying for a job today, and if she gets it, she'll move out--but probably still see us some weekends. And as for Theresa, I don't really understand how she ever ended up living in the city in the first place. Her heart is quite obviously in the country. :-) She told me when I came back last night that her move out date might be earlier than summer, like she had been predicting. She might end up leaving the house in April. This doesn't particularly surprise me--and I'm happy for Theresa. She belongs on a farm growing her own vegetables and worshiping God through passionately caring for the earth that He's made. And despite the fact that my home is temporary, I still feel this complete certainty that I am where I belong living in this house.
So...I may have to laugh at anyone who implies that I should be building stability in the States right now. But this has been a season of seeing God's love in very tangible ways. Tokyo was not a place of relational wealth. I had dear, precious close friends there...all of whom lived across a huge city. It was a place where I lived alone and had to reach out very intentionally for every contact. Living with people who love me and whom I can love is healing in a way I can't express. Living in a place where I am enjoyed, but not needed and not a burden is freeing me to love and serve in ways I normally can't...I race outside on snowy days to try to be the one who shovels our driveway, and I can spend an hour outside with the snow grinning from ear to ear at the thought of Theresa and Angela coming home to find they don't have to shovel. I've yet to actually achieve that goal...the job is big enough that they usually come home and immediately come out and help me. But being able to shovel without feeling a trace of duty or guilty obligation is so wonderful.
So, that's the long story of what's been going on with me in my Minnesota life. I appreciate your prayers so much...my longing to get back to the mission field right now is really great. But whatever my emotions are up to, I want to follow God. Sorting out my own desires and what God is saying is trickier than normal right now, but I know from experience that His voice will come just in time...and probably not a moment sooner. I think the parable of the virgins waiting for the bridegroom and keeping their lamps lit is much what listening for God entails...I want to be there with my ears open, my lamp lit, when he comes and says it's time to move forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)